Traveling lyrics

Trixie: Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel
Katya: And I'm Katya
Trixie: And welcome to
Both: UNHhhh
Trixie: The show where we talk about whatever we want
Katya: Because it's our show
Both: And not yours
Trixie: (laughs)

Cut

Katya: Traveling. Life on the road. How do you stay healthy when you travel so much?
Trixie: I don't sleep, I drink a LOT, and when you get an STD, don't treat it until it's absolutely serious. I used to wash myself too aggressively on the road getting out of drag every day. Soap in my p*nis, got an infection. Though it was gonorrhea, wasn't. They just said, "You have soap in your pеnis." So then when I got gonorrhea, I had onе interaction with a gentlemen in Province Town, Massachusetts, you've been
Katya: Sure
Trixie: Gonorrhea. That fast
Both: UNHhhh

Cut

Katya: Would you rather pee yourself a little bit all throughout the day or-
Trixie: Done. Stop there, I want that
Katya: (laughs) Or diarrhea sh*t yourself once a week?
Trixie: Oh! sh*t myself once a week
Katya: Really?
Trixie: Yeah. Because when I had gonorrhea, the drip was such a heavy flow that I had to wear paper towels like it was a maxi pad, and it was irritating
Katya: (laughs)
Trixie: But I felt real fish, I felt so fish
Katya: I, in the summer-
Trixie: Right before I go on stage I have to change my wrap
Katya: (laughs)
Both: (laughs)
Trixie: I bet you guys at home, too, I would rather deal with one serious sh*t a week- Oh. What? Lick my teeth
Katya: (unintelligible)
Cut

Katya: Well how about this scenario though: you're getting a pat-down in TSA, and you diarrhea sh*t yourself during the pat-down and you have to get on the plane
Trixie: Yeah, but it's not against the TSA laws to sh*t your pants, I can still get on that plane with a hot load in my pants
Katya: It's not a legal issue (laughs)
Trixie: Remember the days pre-TSA? I would just walk on, I would put my machete and my hockey mask in the overhead.
Katya: sh*t myself the whole flight
Trixie: (laughs) I put my gun on safety, walk on the plane like I'm Mr. Delta himself
Katya: (laughs) Mr. Delta. Bob Delta!
Both: (laughs)
Trixie: Yeah

Cut

Trixie: This isn't necessarily travel-related, but you're a sweaty woman
Katya: Yes
Trixie: Sweatiest woman in show business
Katya: (laughs) I feel like I'm always peeing myself a little bit
Trixie: Oh- you- because of the sweat
Katya: Because of the sweat, yeah
Trixie: I have a friend who lost his virginity using Gatorade as lubricant in the parking lot
Katya: I'm done
Trixie: But you know what though, I'm not a- I'm not a sex bird, I'm just a young man navigating the world. Why would you choose- isn't no Gatorade the same as Gatorade?
Katya: It is hydrating, it's moisturizing-
Trixie: It- it helps you come down from the three Red Bulls I just watched you shotgun
Katya: (laughs)
Trixie: You're gonna have a heartburn
Katya: (laughs)
Trixie: You did three Red Bulls and then styled this wig and that's the absolute truth
Katya: (laughs) Oh they look pretty?
Both: (laughs)
Cut

Trixie: Katya wears breast forms that're so heavy and so real, they're so heavy she has to carry them on because they put her suitcase on the (unintelligible)
Katya: Yeah, I have to but them in my carry-on and I sew them into a bra that gets to caked with sweat and makeup that it forms this foul smelling crust. They stink! And I stopped apologizing. I don't care
Trixie: I don't care. If I was a TSA, I'd be like, "Alright"

Cut

Trixie: Something about planes and airports-
Katya: BONER CITY! BONER CITY!
Trixie: (unintelligible) You know I wear a fanny pack at the airport
Katya: To cover that giant boner
Trixie: Giant-
Katya: Huge!
Trixie: 3-inch around, 1-inch long tuna can of skin. It's the altitude changing, and like the plane and the pressure in your body 'cause it happens all the time
Katya: I am hard de-planing
Trixie: Sundown to sunup
Katya: Yeah we de-plane, hard. And then- but all the way through the next connection, hard
Trixie: Really?

WIP at 3:47