The girl who’s broken and shattered forever by natalie Howell
Introduction
This is a true story about my life from detail to detail as much as I can remember from the memeries I relive till what happens during the present and the songs in this book are the songs I wrote myself. This book is all about what I held inside for so many years case I could ever let go weather you believe it or not is not my problem. If someone who is reading this book comes to a chapter that has anything to do with you I suggest you read it carefully and I mean very carefully.
This book is NOT FOR KIDS UNDER 13. If you are currently in any position that im about to write to you about I just hope that somehow in some way someone will come help you out sooner rather than later. That being said lets get started.
Chapter 1 Coming into this world.
I was born December 14 1995 in Dallas TX at the parkland hospital. Two months after I was born my lungs failed and my heart stopped. I died for two hours and in that time this is what I could see and feel. At first it was completely dark but than a light appeared this light is not any light you can find n a store, house and a hospital or anywhere else because this light was strong and peaceful. It was like someone was right beside me but I could not see their face or body because the light was extremely bright. Two min later was a very thin orange ring around the light.
A second later there was fire at the ground than the light dimed and I was now alive. I was in and out of the hospital growing up when I was in 1st grade I had surgery. The day I left school early we were just coming back inside from playing outside this boy with black hair and a gold tooth was holding the door. He looked at me and said he was goanna kill me I just looked at him and said go right ahead I died once and don’t mind dying again than I left. My second grade year I moved to Arlingtion Tx. My class went outside and I went to the part of the playground that was near the water park because it was less crowded I remember I was on the yellow ladder and a girl next to me was on a yellow swirl.
She asked me if I wanted to play and I said yea than she asked me if this meant we were friends and I said yea and since than we became close friends in fact where not fiends where sisters. Now at school things seem ok but home was another story in fact every chance I had avoided going home. I was either at my friend’s house at the ark where we met or I was at the ditch that was right next to the gate where I lived. The reason I never wanted to be at home was case kids where throwing rocks and whatever else they could find at me. When they were not throwing stuff at me they were hitting me. John made my wrist turn purple almost broke it because he kept throwing me down on the ground which at the time anyone could pick me up and throw me down on the ground because I was thin didn’t weigh much. John also broke almost everything I had even through my shoes into a ant pile.
When mission arlingtion came by went to this camp thing and it probably would’ve been fun if John didn’t push me down in the mud and made my socks and shoes all muddy. He was laughing and just calling me names and he just wouldn’t leave me alone so when we came to the rock climbing area I wanted to rock climb because I love doing stuff out doors as well as writing and singing and fashion design. Anyways I took my shoes off case they were all muddy and I started walk climbing barefoot and when I came back down my big toe on my right foot was bleeding turned out I had a splinter in my toe so one of the adults there took it out and I was ready to kill him.
I started yelling at him telling him its his fault I was bleeding when I came back down and we just kept moving on. When we were getting ready to leave he poured cold water on me and I just had enough. If someone hadn’t gotten between us I was goanna beat the living blood out of him.
When we got home he pushed me in the pool and sat on my head while I was under water when I got out of the pool he was laughing g was funny. He broke my Hannah Montana bucket that day.
I figured since I couldn’t hurt him I would hurt myself so I went to the ditch found the biggest piece of glass I could find and cut myself with it and that was the first day I started cutting myself. On top of that me and my brother where constantly fighting and I was pretty sure he was the favorite one. After all my mom and dad always took his word over mine no matter what the case was.
Time went on John still wouldn’t leave me alone So now im in middle school in 7th grade my brother and I was constantly fighting about everything and this boy named Devon kept annoying the crap out me case every time he saw me all he would say was Natalie this boy said he likes you or Natalie that boy said he likes you and finally enough was enough when I passed him by in the hall way on my way to the office my 10th or 11th schedule change or to see a consoler bout something we were on the 3rd floor near the window and he said it again. I told him he needed to shut the f*ck up case its annoying to hear it again and again and if he said it one more time I was goanna push him out of the window and he said it again than said it’s not annoying.
I was about to push him to the window than out of the window until out of the corner of my right eye I saw my 8th period teacher so I turned around he was just walking through and when I turned back around I started yelling at him again and a girl came by asked me what was going on I told her what he was doing and how it was annoying he sat there and told me it’s not annoying. I swear I wanted to over kill him so many times till hell started rising up. Once I left I haven’t seen him for the rest of the day which was a really good thing at that.
A few weeks later I was at home walking around the complex and someone was banging on Britney’s door and running off and she blamed me. She said I was going to be the one to pay for the dent in the door but I never went to her door that day except for the one time I was looking for Fortima but John was there and he banged on the door I wasn’t even at the door I was near the wall when Britney opened the door. I started walking around again and whoever was banging on her door kept running off and she blamed me for it. This time Britney and everyone who was with her came after me and started hitting me.
6 months later I went to spend the night at my friend’s house and when I got home My dad told me that the kids in the complex told him I made 3 holes in the Landry room. Frist off when I left there was no holes in the Landry room and when I get back home I find out the kids in the complex told everyone in the complex I made 3 holes in the Landry room. So the first thing I did when I found out the whole complex thinks I made those 3 wholes I went to the office and told them I was being blamed for something I didn’t even do.
I was so far from p*ssed that I started turning dark red I could feel the flames rising inside me So I went down to the ditch came back with a board with nails in it and the kids who blamed me for something I didn’t do scattered everywhere. So I just cut myself with some glass but than the pool monitor saw me cutting myself and she said if I didn’t stop she would call cps. It was at that point I started holding everything inside and began creating a dark side of me. A few weeks later a girl named Adriana asked my dad if I could come outside and go to the little park that was inside our complex. My dad said only for a hour case it was already dark outside so I went to go put my shoes on and when I got to the park she wasn’t there.
I went to see if she was at the park in the back of the complex but she wasn’t there so I went back to the park that was in the front and waited for her to come out figured she had something to do before she could come out but she never showed up. I was getting ready to head back home but than Adam jumped on my shoulder and tried to kiss me I knocked him off my shoulder and before I knew it 12 guys where pushing me around and knocking me down on the ground.
When I was finally able to go home my ankle was sprained and I was bleeding one of my neighbor’s drove by me she had just gotten home and she asked me why I was out so late and I told her my dad said I could go to the park for a hour to hang out with Adriana but she never showed up and she just told me to get in the house before something happened to me.
She couldn’t see that id already been hurt and I did not want her to know what happened. When I got in my room I locked the door and started crying case I was in so much pain but I didn’t want to wake anyone up so I just cried silently and did not go to sleep. After that it wasn’t long before people started calling me emo, bloody Mary and queen of darkness. Anyways as time went on I began to hate people even myself because people always had a problem with how I looked.
People said I looked like a boy, cave man and made me feel unwanted.
I was just about to start 8th grade summer was coming to an end and Adriana was getting ready to move. The day before she moved she said she packed up all the food they had and was wanting something to snack on but we barley had anything for our family at the time. I tried to tell her that but she just kept asking me to check the house but we didn’t have anything. I checked 3 times and then she held onto my arm and asked me to check again but this time I started to walk off but than she fell on her back and started yelling at me like its my fault.
I started walking to the ditch and she followed me when we took our first step into the ditch she said your not a true friend you don’t care about anyone else but yourself. I just kept walking through the ditch as she was following and yelling at me. So I turned around and yelled WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME she just she wanted me to suffer the way she did that she never felt so violated in her entire life. Frist off she is younger than me but I just said first off it’s a dam scrap everyone gets scrapped every now and then it’s part of life so deal with it.
We started walking again and she was 2-3 feet behind me and on the other side so I pulled the tree branch back and let it go as I pass the over growing tree at the corner where we were. She yelled at me saying I hit her in the eye with the tree branch than starting pushing me. We reached the side of the bridge where there’s a gate fence for another area and Adriana said you think your life if so perfect well its not and you need to stop pretending like it is well you can keep pretending your life is perfect while I live my non perfect life case least I can say my life is not perfect.
I looked at her and said b*tch I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HELL YOU GOT THAT IDA FROM BUT YOU SURE AS HELL DIDN’T GET IT FOM ME. INFACT I CAN WRITE A NOVLE ABOUT EVERYTHING I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK THINGS I WISH I DIDN’T SAY BUT DID. HELL I WAS IN AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL GROWING UP HAD TROBLE BREATHING AND DIED FOR TWO HOURS. Than she said if I was really a true friend I would’ve said sorry as soon as she fell but I didn’t. I told her if it bothers you so dam much why the hell our we still friends? She answered and said I guess where not. Than we switched sides and she said I wish you would regret this day that you will feel bad about this day and not sleep because of this day. I started to walk off and head home and she yelled where are you going im not done talking to you and I yelled back an said well im done talking to you but than she grabbed my arm and stopped me from leaving than we sat down started talking and she asked why I blame myself for everything that happens to me? I told her that’s what I do I know I can never hurt the person who cased me pain least not physically anyway and so I hurt myself.
At this point we couldve made up and probably still would be friends till this day if we did but I wasn’t cooled down enough I was still burning with anger and seconds away from breaking glass and knifes. The next morning I woke wanted to fix things between me and here before she moved away but I was too late she had already moved away. For the first 3 weeks I blamed her for the pain I was in. I stopped eating and the only way I could sleep was by crying myself to sleep if I slept at all and most days I woke up so far from p*ssed I was ready to kill anyone and everyone who was wanting to set me off those days.
Than I started blaming myself for the whole thing I told myself if I ever had the chance I would tell Adriana that I was sorry for what I did and said to her and that I forgive her for what she said and did to me that day. I told myself no matter what I would never forgive myself for what happed that day and till this day I still don’t forgive myself for what happened that day.
Chapter 2 Don’t want to live anymore
A week after Adriana moved away this boy named Jorden came around everyone called him bb and I still have no idea why. Anyways Jorden started off acting like John calling me names and throwing stuff at me and they both shot me in the arm with a bb gun. However, Jorden wanted money I didn’t have he tried to get me to have sex with him and wanted me to go out with him. When he didn’t get what he wanted he hit me and threw rocks at me. One day we were sitting at the ditch and he got scratched by a pointed leaf he said if he got scratched by a pointed leaf again I was going to be his slave. What he didn’t know was that I was a slave to my family weather they knew it or not.
I never gave in but one day he and Adam took me to a empty apartment and made me take my shirt off Than they started hitting me case I wouldn’t have ex with either of them. I growled at Adam and he said I bit his finger so Jordon pulled my hair and asked me why I bit his finger I told him I didn’t but he said I did than they through me to the door and hit me again but right before that Jorden said he was Adriana’s cusion and that I almost killed her when she claimed to have gotten hit by the tree branch that I let go of that day. When they through me to the door and hit me again Adam held me down while Jorden bit my arm. They gave me my shirt back and I put it on and they threw me out the door said I better not tell anyone so I didn’t even when I met Jordan’s ant and told her how he bit my arm I didn’t tell her the whole story.
Never told anyone thought if I didn’t say anything I would forget about it but I didn’t. I went to hide out in the ditch the rest of that day didn’t come back out till sunset case I had to be back in the house before dark. And when I got home I tried to look as if nothing happened I took a shower before anyone could see me come in the house than I locked myself in my room and started crying and I never told anyone till now when I just wrote about and who ever reads this book will read about it. Because of all that I told myself I would never forgive myself for what happened and I still wont forgive myself because I can’t not after what happened.
Jordan and his friends drove me to the point where I wanted to kill myself. So I climbed up on top of the bridge at the ditch and I stood on the very edge getting ready to jump off. The min they saw that I had enough and since I couldn’t hurt them I was ready to kill myself they started telling not to jump and not to end my life and said that they would leave me alone if I didn’t kill self. They drove to the point where I wanted to kill myself 3 times and by the third time there as nothing they could say or do to get me to change my mind. When they left the 3rd time I was still on top of the bridge looking down than I looked ahead of me wasn’t looking for anything was just hoping that once I jumped off I would be dead.
I was just about to jump when it started getting windy outside. Then wind was blowing towards me and then I heard a small voice. I looked all around me but I was the only at the ditch on top of that bridge at the time. I heard the voice again and this voice asked why I was so mad why I didn’t want to live. I said because I can’t do anything right my brother is the favorite one so I dont think my family would miss me at all and people won’t leave me alone. If there not throwing rocks at me there hitting me. The voice just said I mattered to him that he cared about me.
The wind stopped and I got down from the bridge but I wasn’t ready to go home so I went to the park but couldn’t stay out long case the sun was going down so I went back home.
Chapter 3 School years
When I was in 7th grade I was in choir even though I did what I was supposed to wear my choir shirt to the concerts we had I always ended up with a c in that class which bothered me case I love singing it was the only way I could block life out which was what I desperately wanted to do at the time I thought it was case we had to read a book of music notes which I never learned how to do so I was never sure how to read a book of music notes.
Turned out she was only passing me case she liked me when I heard about it and that I wasn’t sure what to do or how to feel about it I still wanted to be in choir because no matter what I still wanted to sing sadly I wasn’t allowed to be in choir my 8th grade year and every time I passed that room a part of me died. When I was in since class a boy told me he felt sorry for me I asked him why but he wouldn’t tell me till this day I still want to know why. Why feel sorry or someone but not tell that person whey they feel sorry for them.
My 9th grade year me and my brother where still fighting about everything he was always bossing me around and being noise. He was still the favorite one and that just made me hate him even more. I was friends with all the teachers and principals at my middle and high schools that I went to. I didn’t have many friends my age because people my age always made me feel unwanted and I didn’t belong anywhere.
One day I was in the cafeteria at lunch with one of my friends named Sydney and she could tell I was having a bad day and she asked me what happened so I told her. I told her my brother was rushing me that morning clamming we were going to be late which we weren’t by the way but I had walked out of the house without my keys, pencils and one of my binders for one of my classes. I told her that the wind knocked my song binder out of my hand and almost all my songs blew away all 314 of my songs where blown away and the ones that weren’t blown way was damaged because something spilled on them.
Than Korrey walked by and gave me his number and said if I needed someone to talk to or hang out with to give him a call. Normally I wouldn’t do that but a part of me told me to call him after school so I did. We met up at the playground at Atherton Elemtry school. We started hanging out and became friends that very day.
Than met up with my sister Marissa on the way back my place but then we all walked to the park just to talk and hang out than went to Marissa’s house and Cherelle and Korrey met each other and that’s when the war started. Korrey didn’t get along with their mother and things started off with each other having me keep secrets from the both of them.
Everyone was constantly fighting about something and I was always in the middle I never told any of them but I was and still am deeply sorry for the war I started Cherelle and Korrey got married and had two beautiful little girls named Gracie and Fayth. I got attached to the both of them and thought of them both as of my own.
They lost custody of their girls because they didn’t have a stable home and a stable job. With everything that happened between them I always felt like it was my fault and I didn’t know what to do to fix everything and how to put a end to the war before it got too far but its too late now. Now its only a matter of time before I lose them all.
Chapter 3 Being robbed
I been robbed 3 times in Arlingtion and twice in Dallas the first time someone broke into my dad’s car and took the radio/gps. The second time was in September someone broke our door and stole our tv. They also stole my brother’s computer and charger along with some change on the counter my Hannah Montana purses and wallets. They took parts of the ps2 but flipped the ps2 over and unplugged the toaster. The second time was in October they stole the ps3 my bros computer both our bikes and a camera. The 3rd time was on my 14th b day December 14th this time they broke in through my window trashed my room stole my $20.00 more parts to the ps2 but flipped the ps2 over took our ps3 and whatever my brother had at the time that got stolen that day.
Every time we got robbed I was the one that was blamed because people followed me everywhere and so people knew where I lived because they followed me everywhere I went. So it was pretty clear that every time someone broke into my house it was automatically my fault. When we came to Dallas someone broke into this house twice and stole our ps3 and my brothers I pad and my dad’s I pad. Once again Im the one to be blamed after all I was the only one home and
I was out of a job lossed my keys a few times which is how someone couldve gotten into the house. So I figured that once I leave and live on my own no one would follow me and if no one followed me than it would be less likely for someone to break into my family’s homes or my own home case no one would know where I lived
Unless that is of course I give certain people my address. The only way I would give out my address is if I wanted to be found and who I want to find me. Each time someone broke into our place and I was blamed for it I wanted to leave. I mean I wanted to either leave this world or leave that house and not come back.
Chapter 4 Living in Dallas
When we first move to dallas I wanted to get to know the place and where everything was. So I started walking around the complex and some black teenager threw a bike at me and hid behind a bush when he came out he was laughing and ran off. My first thought was a memeries of when someone asked if I hated black people and my answer was yes and no. She wanted me to explain how it could be yes and no at the same time so I told her. I said personally I don’t give a dam what color you are you p*ss me off most likely I already started a blood bath on my mind however it seems to me that black people seem to have a problem with me because where I live black people are the only people who is throwing rocks and when they’re not doing there hitting me and calling me names.
So again I don’t give a dam what color you are you throw rocks at me, hit or call me names than I already started a blood bath on my mind. Then he and his friends came back they called me a ugly white b*tch and ran off and I ran after them ready to beat the living hell out of them. Than someone called the police on them but I had chased them out of the complex and they never came back.
A few days later we enrolled to North Dallas high school and I was ripped apart when they didn’t have a choir. Things didn’t get much better for at that school sure I took asl which was fun but Sam Houston took a year in a half to transfer my credits to that hell hole. So I figured if I was goanna to keep doing something for p.e. I was goanna do something for the credit just not p.e. so I signed up for Jrotc. A few days before I got a new schedule for me to start Jrotc I had the same lunch as my brother and I was looking for a table where I would most likely be alone but my brother told me to come sit with him and his friends my first thought was what the f*ck was he planning this time.
So I sat with him and his friends and when he left the table one f his friend asked me how I knew Isaac and I told him he was my brother. Turned out my brother didn’t tell his friends he had a sister and when we had english together he told our table I was not his sister. So I told him if he was not my brother he can get the hell out of my life case I want nothing to do with him. Later on found out he couldn’t stand my brother just as much I couldn’t. Next year we had art, Jrotc and lunch together but that year I had to fake being happy because it was the year that my great grandmother died and the following summer my friend from middle school died so my great grandmother died with two different cancers than officer Ellis died of cancer the following
summer. When I found out about officer Ellis I was at my grandmother’s house on my laptop when Marissa called me crying.
Anyways time went on and I went to the military ball twice it was a lot of fun. When I was a senior I was told we had to apply for collages to graduate and do that whole collage app thing but what I wasn’t told was that because ive been taking modified classes I couldn’t get into a university without having to do a transfer. So Now my whole collage plane fell apart
And I didn’t know what to do anymore. What I wanted to do when I found out was kill a lot of people. Starting with the f*cking government and the state laws. Than on graduation day turned out there was a choir for our school and if my family wasn’t there to see me graduate that day I would’ve hit someone and put a few people in a coma. Right now im just real glade I don’t have to step foot in that school again till im ready to my transcripts or collage if I ever go to college. Sometimes I wonder which place is worse Arlingtion or Dallas. In Arlingtion I was in Choir but Adriana and Jordan scared me deeply inside
However, in dallas I was not in choir my great grandmother and officer Ellis both died of cancer and people where throwing rocks at me and hitting me when they didn’t get their way.
Chapter 5 How I feel today
How I feel today is still bout the same as I did back then because the anger never went away. Sure it died out but it never went away it just sat inside me and grew every time I re lived memeries or if someone constantly p*ssed me off in any way possible. I still blame myself for everything that’s happened to me. Kept wondering what I said or what I did for people to hate me so much I wanted to know but no one would tell me so I started hating myself and convinced myself I was the reason bad things happen in this world.
Than I thought about trying to kill myself again because I figured if I was dead than people would get along better or the war would stop. Thought if I died I would be doing the world a favor but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I couldn’t get myself to cut myself and there’s no bridge nearby for me to jump off. As time went on and I was out of high school people started to leave me alone no one has thrown a rock at me in about a year no one’s p*ssed me off for a year but I still want to leave dallas for good.
Some days I wake up really tired maybe I don’t want to deal with life or maybe im not feeling good that day but whatever the reason may be it just doesn’t matter anymore at least not as much as it did when it first happened.
I can’t get a job case my people skills is dead really dead. There’s a 2% chance that will ever me back to me. Lately I just feel extremely tired and little to no energy at all. Maybe its case I don’t have anything to do right now after all I am out of a job and there is just nothing to do at home.
You know how hard it is to pretend you’re ok when you’re hurting inside? How hard it is to convince people you’re ok when the pain inside just builds up and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of it because it just keeps coming back.
Chapter 6 final chapter
Truth is until I live on my own and not with any part of my family when I can start a life of my own. Ill probably be broken and shattered these memeries will never come to a end no matter what happens. All my life I didn’t fit in anywhere I couldn’t do anything right people always had some problem with me but would never tell me what it is. Maybe im just not meant to do anything don’t get me wrong I love to sing, write and fashion design but maybe I was just meant for people to throw rocks at and hit any time they wanted.
Well that’s pretty much it for now there might be a part 2 not sure yet so just stay tuned in just in case I make a part 2 of this book.
The end for now.