Mabe its just me
Listin to me now all of you just shut up
and listin no ones not going any where
until I say what I gatta say and if you
think your worried about me now wait
till I start cutting my self and trying to
kill myself again now I dont know if its
just me or if its the fact that im even
alive right now that you have so many
problems with and since some of you
still dont seem to understand me let
me make this to the point where you
can not and will not forget about you
can say what ever you want to say
you can tell me I dont have a reason
to live that I should kill myself you
can call me what ever you want to call
me but I will tell you this what ever
you say to me I will not forget you
can tell me how I dont care about
anyone else but myself you can tell
me how im not a true friend hell you
can tell me anything and everything
but when you wonder whey you cant
hear my voice when you wonder whey
I dont fight back and you ask me every
day whey I dont do anything its
because number 1 im not the one in
control of this life God is and some
times I forget that by the words I say
and the things I do you wanna know
whey even though people put me
through hell and make me feel like
I dont belong in this world so whey
do I put up with them its because
Jesus once said you have herd it
was said love your nighbors and
hate your enimes but I tell you the
truth love your enimes pray for those
who proscute you bless those who
curse you do good to those who do
evil over come evil with good and if
one slaps you on one cheek let him
have the outher as well cant tell
you excatly how many times I read
that and said ok thinking it was
something I could do but now I dont
even want to wake up anymore let me
tell you something five differnt times
someones stole something from me
countless times people have thrown
rocks at me and accused me of
something I didint do like making 3
wholes in the laundry room or
banging on someones door and
running off what would I do that for
when I knew it would p*ss you off it
clearly p*ssed me off whey someone
did that to me than you have those
people who tell you that you can ask
them anything when the time comes
you just gatta ask about something no
one knows whats going on or whose in
charge of what no one knows whey no
one bouthered to tell there who some
change made that involved you in any
way whatso ever you its one thing to
rip me apart and for me to ever
pretend im ok at this point its
impossible 10 years I been houlding
back everything I wanted to say and
do because I was always told that I
can get into a lot of trouble with the
words I say and the things I want to
do right now but than I guss it just
dosent imply to you at all or you just
dont care now im not trying to sound
like im judgeing anyone right now
case im not and I never will no matter
what the case is but I been thinking
mabe its just me 10 years I blamed
myself for what people put me through
and till this day I still blame myself
for everything people have said/
done to me because I know ive said
hurtful things and done things that
might have hurt them deeply trying
not to hurt anyone I end up hurting
myself 30 times worse but you know
what all this pain I try so hard to
hould it all in is now about to come
out of me in 2.3 milla seconds and I
dare someone to try my anger right
now see I just cant wrap my mind
around the fact that it wouldnt matter
what I did or what I said it would still
feel like theres absoultultly no reason
for me to be alive at this moment
through I know God brought me
back to life for reason and knowing
he has a plan for me with everything
that been said and done I find it hard
to belive that God needs me for
anything now I do trust him with my
life and I do belive Jesus died for me
I belive Jesus is comeing back one
day no dought about it but because
I cant seem to let go of all this pain
and still find myself asking whey me
what did I do or what did I say for
you to hate me as much much as you
do mabe its just me but I cant keep
living this life yes I have a passion
for writting and singing but if all im
doing is hurting people and no one
can read my wrighting what am I
good for many times I tried to kill
myself hell I cant 18 years done
nouthing but try to find out what im
good for I cant seem to do anything
right and it just seems like no matter
what I say or do no matter what the
case is I just cant do anything wrong
I just cant do anything right in this
life not trying to please the world case
its impossibe so I keep thinking what
dose the Lord think about me dose
God need me right now what has he
called me for have I done anything
worth value in his eyes im not sure
thinking bout the things ive said and
done gets me wondering who am I
where do I belong whey cant people
just leave me alone for once I dont
mind having frinds I dont mind
hanging out with people but if all
your gonna do is point out everything
ive done wrong drag me into battales
that get me wondering if this is the
end every time I hear about anyone
hurting the ones I care about I want
to do something about it but no one
will let me and it tears me apart that
I have to watch you all fall apart
mabe its just me mabe its just me
I rember how I was fed up when all
you said was natalie guss who likes
you and to sit there and tell me its not
anoying how would you like it if some
one did that to you but you know what
just dont worry about it because its
not like I could ever get annoyed or
agrevated oh wait I have so many
times its un real than you have
those who claim thire differnt but
turn out to be the same as every one
else now see what I dont understand
is whey everyone has to be the same
if we where all mad to be the same we
would all look excatly the same but
where not we where ment to be our
selves so whey do we look for a reason
to hate someone for what ever reason
all of this fighting and death God
when will all of this come to a end
everyone going into war instead of
just helping each outher out with what
we have mabe its just me I dont know
about you but I want to be able to
accept anyone and everyone for
who they are on the inside can anyone
tell me how a school can mannage to
have 2 art classes,asl,jrotc,pe and
every athletic thing you can think of
including wrastling and track they
offer band & dance but you cant
afforid to have chior if this school is
truly as bad as it is whey would you
want us to save it in the frist place
really you know ever seince I came
here I realized no one has common
sence once so ever and thats
disapointing but what can I do
mabe its just something ive said or
done but can anyone please come to
me face to face and tell me what there
probblem is with me instead of talking
about me behind my back and calling
the plioce on me and if you see some
one watching me than that means your
watching me to dosnt it or is there
something im missing some days I just
reached a point where I gatta shut
down and not start up again and if
that means killing myself than fine
consider it done but I cant put up
with this anymore tired of people
always telling me what I can and cant
say what I can and cant do where I
can and cant go I tell you what since
I cant do anything right whey dont
you just live my life for me while I
try to get myself to stop breathing
asap but than what would my family
do where would they be and what
would my friends say & do if I killed
myself I thought of this so many times
and I just gotta scream and rip my
head off every time every time I look
around its just too painful seeing
people with out hearing about people
dying from starvation just tears me
apart while all this is going on people
still try so hard to get me in a relation
ship with someone as if I didint have
enough to worriy about right now its
not like anyone ever shot me with a bb
gun or did anything just to get money
I dont have and want me to have sex
with them its not like anyone ever set
me fire twice just because he didint
get what he wanted oh wait he did
mabe its just me mabe its something
I said or done but what ever it is I
just cant figger it out can anyone tell
me whey they do what they do whey
cant I do anything right in this life
yea I care about people I care what
they think,feel I care what people say
and do I try to care and love them just
as God did for me but I just cant seem
to get it right I tried to give up music
once befor but as you can see music is
apart of me and the fact that this
school dosent have chior or know
whats going on and whoes in charge
of what just rips me apart and I dont
think I can go on anymore every time
I walk by or even rember the memorys
I had of chior I start crying inside and
out and I just dont think I cant put up
with it anymore you have some people
think im too young to stress out but I
dont think there is a age where you
can be too young to stress with all
thats going on and you wanna help
but dont know how when everything
just comes crashing down and
nouthing seems to be right at all when
all you see is darkness with no hope of
ever comeing out it just gets worser
by the seconed till finnaly its reached
a point where everything is now flying
around your mind all the pain and
scares that just cant be let go finnaly
you just start asking is it worth it is
life worth all this pain and anger that
you hould inside mabe its just me
mabe its just me mab its just me tell
me was it something I said I was
something I did what is it that you
feel like you cant come to me whey
your concerend about me I do have
the right to know whats going on dont
I or am I just suposd to atomaticly
know every thing and if thats the case
you can forget about ever hearing my
voice again sometimes I wonder whats
going on with this world whey cant we
all just accept each outher for who we
are is life really worth losing the ones
you care for and when people hurt you
gatta hurt someone else just to feel
better bout your self tell me how dose
that work case when I hurt someone I
dont feel good about it infact I dont
sleep sometimes I wont even eat
anything case its on my mind but than
whey dose it matter if all we do is try
to be someone where not what are we
even here for dose anyone know mabe
you been through rough times so you
take it out on anyone whoes differnt
making them feel like they dont belong
in this world you have millions of
people around the world acturally
killed themselves because they
belived they have no reason to be
alive and I came close 3 times to
doing the same so whey hurt outhers
each time I tryed to kill myself
God stopped me God told me I was
his that I belong to him he told me
how he has a plan for me and that
as long as I belong to him everything
will be ok so im giving my life to him
knowing that something amazingly
well hopefully one day and I cant
wait till he returns to this world
to take us home where we belong no
more fighting no more wars and hate
every thing will soon come to a end
every battale will soon be meaningless
case there will be nouthing to fight for
anymore knowing that just gets me
through anouther day and strength to
put up with what anyone and everyone
throughs my way im still just gonna
keep walking because I know im not
in control of this world im not even
in control of my life and sometimes
I forget that but that I rember God
can do and I just give everything to
him and to him only is when all my
trust and hope is placed yea I know
should report a lot of things people do
to me but I dont because I dont know
there life story just like they dont mine
and what would be the point of getting
the police involved when God already
knows about it and is just waiting for
us to come to him for help mabe its
just me mabe its just me but if you
have to go up,down,in,out one side to
the outher how do you possibly expect
us to make it to class on time because
people are gonna be standing in the
hall ways talking to who ever its
impossible im just so dam tired
of this life that I dont know what to do
anymore mabe its just me mabe its just
me mabe I just cant have to go
anouther day of pretending everything
is ok im gonna rip my own head off
and out a blood bath THIS SONG
WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE
HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY
NATALIE MARIE HOWELLAGE 18