Expiration Date lyrics by
OPENING – DAY
A RED van hurtles down a desert road with Scout asleep and Heavy at the wheel. The videophone in the console of the car rings.
Gwaa! Bwaa! What? What? Oh
Scout, it’s Pauling
Tell me you got the briefcase
And nobody saw you?
Scout, I’m here right now
Well, that’s a funny story…
(Soldier bursts from the back of the van, interrupting Scout)
Hello Mrs Pauling
We killed everyone and took a briefcase
Not everybody Soldier
You left seven witnesses guys
She shoots somebody with a silenced pistol
Look, just keep the briefcase safe, ok?
Have a good weekend guys
Goodbye Miss Pauling
I’m leaving the van now
Bye bye, ok then
Hey hey, Mrs Pauling
Before you go…
You're probably real busy this weekend, right?
Funny you should mention that, umm...
Looks like I will be burring bodies all weekend
So that you don't go to jail
Oh g... good
So we're both busy
A man yells out in the background of the video call, and a siren starts
Got to go
Lotta people busy with business
(Walking across frame)
Asking out that dial tone again I see
Go to hell spy
Scout walks out of the car and into a room towards Medic and Engineer. The demoman teleports out
Look at all this
What have you two eggheads been working on?
(Throwing keys to them. They sail past) Nice catch
Ah... We've been running some experiments on the teleporter.
Y'all ought to take a look at this
The teleporter fires up, and a loaf of bread comes through
You can teleport bread
That is... big news
Is the demoman back with the beer yet?
The loaf is broken apart by the medic, revealing large green lumps inside of the bread
What the hell is that?
The Heavy stops eating his sandwich and looks down at it
Y'all know what this means right?
(Slamming scout down onto the table) We cannot teleport bread anymore
Not exactly soldier
You teleport as much bread as you like
That goes for all of ya
If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before you...
Now would be a good time
How long before these tumors kill us?
Well let's see.
We all use the teleporter let's say six times a day
Times four years
Minus we're not bread
Three days, yes
We all have three days to live
Soldier counts this out on his fingers.
Demoman teleports in with a crate of beer, oblivious to what just happened
Title card - Expiration date
(Placing a bucket onto a table) This is a bucket
It contains the dying wish of every man here
You did collect everyone's dying wish?
Gentlemen, synchronism your death watches
A series of beeps emanates as they all enable large clocks on their wrists, all with 70 hours
We have 70 hours to live
For most men, no time at all
We are not most men
We are mercenaries
We have the resources
To make these hours count
The clock is ticking gentlemen
(Reaching into the bucket and pulling out a piece of paper) Our first dying wish is Scout's
Drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car
I have something radiating off of me
Yeah, those are stink lines
That's why the car hit him
Cause he smells
Yes I see
Here you've drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower
The Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me
Both of us relaxing post-coitus
I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it
(Angry) Did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?!
This was a huge waste of my time
You did not read mine
(Sighing) Does it say you want the bucket
Spy passes over the bucket, and the soldier protectively grasps it. The mercenaries walk off
See you all in hell!
The mercenaries are walking in a hall and soldier is seen enjoying his bucket.
Medic and Engineer walk past with trolleys, one loaded with bread and the other teleporters.
A piece of bread falls off and Soldier eyes it suspiciously, then grins
Cut to Spy's smoking room
Scout knocks at the door
(Entering) Hey, ah, got a second?
Go (BLEEP) yourself
Hey that's... that's funny
Spy attempts to slam the door on Scout, and he gets wedged in whilst attempting to get in
I'm wedging my head through a door here to tell you I'm sorry
Spy relaxes, and scout goes headfirst through the door, nearly collapsing
Make it quick
So I did write down a last wish
I'd like to go on a date with Mrs Pauling
You're terrible with girls
Spy, look at this
And this here
Spy, look at all of this
I'm great with girls
Cut to Conquistador Fried Giblets
Scout is waiting in line next to a woman. Both are holding buckets of fried chicken
We both got buckets of chicken
Wanna do it?
Cut back to Spy's smoking room
You are amazing with ladies
You know, classy ones
That kind that smell good and can read
And all always have their glasses on just kinda crooked
The ones that don't go for a guy like me
And why is that, do you think?
Cmon spy. I don't know
Well, a mystery we will take to our graves then
Spy stars walking away
Spy, this never leaves this room
(Sighs) You are better than me
I need your help
(Stopping pouring drink) I'll do it on one condition
(Pushing PA microphone towards Scout) Say that
Cut to training gym
Scout starts to clear his throat, and spy pushes a small trolley with a bucket of fried chicken, a bottle of wine and two wine glasses towards scout
(Firmer) Seduce me
I ain't gonna...
(Shouting) Seduce me!
Hey there, good looking
I got a bucket of chicken
I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps!
I'm a woman
I like my men dangerous
You want to be my lover?!
Montage ensues of spy teaching scout to eat in a fancy setting, dance and reading up on pickup lines
Cut to training gym. An intense floodlamp shines on scout's face
You have a dinner date for seven
What time do you arrive?
Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff
Can the cook be trusted?
If not I got to kill him.
Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than four thirty
Everything you just said was insane and we are out of time
You're a faliure
I failed, did I?
Scout, where is this going?
Where it's going is I don't need you
I'll put this date on myself
That's right fancy pants, myself
So why don't you take your little failure, roll it up sideways...
Ok, crap, I got to go
Screw you though
Scout exits, and hits the 'Briefcase Stolen' Alarm button. Sirens blare
Cut to medic's lab
Piles of mutated bread lie on the table.
Medic and Engineer sit at the teleporters, setting up an experiment
(Inserting bread into teleporter) Eurgh
The bread comes through, now having developed teeth and attacking Medic
Cut to outside.
Mrs Pauling is on a motorbike, heading towards the red base. She walks in as sirens continue to blare
(Racking shotgun) You're ready
(Greeting her at the door) Mrs Pauling
What an unexpected surprise
(Out of breath) They took the briefcase
Don't worry, we can fix this
We'll get it back, and the administrator never has to know
(Waving smoking pipe) You look...
Cut to the camera room, where Demoman, Soldier and Spy are watching
Cut back to the intelligence room, where Mrs Pauling and Scout are
(Cutting back to camera room, still watching)
That's the briefcase right there
Are you having a prom?
The camera cuts to the rest of the room. It is done up with ribbons, Balloons, A dove in a cage and several ocean themed decorations
Yeah, the thing is
Cut back to the camera room. Engineer bursts in
Hey fellas, listen!
Its bread that gets tumors!
(Coming in from the other side) It's not even tumors
It's some form of self aware beauty mark that only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat
Here, watch this
Medic shakes a flask, labeled specimen #384, containing the previous teethed bread and green liquid. Soldier looks down and taps at it
It hates me so much
(Putting arms around Soldier and Medic) So we're fine
As long as nobody teleports any bread
What's your question soldier?
I teleported bread
The music fades to a more ominous track
You told me to
I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days
Medic smashes the sample flask on the ground and grabs Soldier by the collar
Where have you been sending it?!
Sparking sounds are heard as the room starts to shake and rumble
I get one day off a year and you just wasted it on...
Why don't we discus this over
(Opening door) Dinner?
The door opens to a massive piece of mutated bread, and the room is destroyed as it attacks. The dove flies into it's mouth.
Scout and Pauling fall through the floor as it collapses.
The team arrives. Medic Ubercharges the heavy and a battle ensues.
Mrs Pauling ducks next to a bomb, and starts to wire it as the battle continues. Scout is grabbed by tentacle of the bread, but is released when Sniper shoots it. Spy uncloaks next to the dropped scout
I think it's going pretty well
(Running up to Pauling) Hey, Mrs Pauling
Oh, I am so sorry
God, Scout, what for?
Pressing the one button you're never supposed to press?
Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that...
Oh, give me your watch!
See that is where this all starts
No, actually wait...
Soldier flies in next to them, being thrown by the bread monster
Ha Ha Ha Ha!
I teleported bread!
The battle seems to being going badly
So that brings me to the point of the story, which is that I like you and you should probably be sitting for this
Close the blast doors!
Look, Mrs Pauling
My last few hours I just wanted...
Scout is cut of by the bread monster's roars
Scout and Pauling's exit is blocked by the bomb being thrown in their way by the monster and the blast door seals. It approaches, and they both see inside it's maw that the dove seen earler eaten is just fine as it flies out of its mouth. They leap inside to escape the explosion, and the screen fades to black
Pauling pulls out a lighter
(In pain) Aghhhh...
Mrs Pauling, are you alright?
I can't feel anything below my neck
Now I can feel it
Oh god, I am so sorry
This is not.. (Trailing off)
That was so much fun
You're not mad?
I was furious
Oh my god, you set off the Briefcase Alarm alarm and you were having a prom for some reason
But then there was a monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken
Can we do this again?
I'm going to be dead
(Poking his head through the green mist) Good News!
We're not dying!
We are going to live forever!
I didn't say that!
I just said we're not full of tumors!
Oh thank god
So yeah, Mrs Pauling
I guess its a date!
Actually this was my only day off this year
Oh, but you could ride along with me on some jobs!
Tomorrow I'm belt sanding the finger prints off a pile of corpses
Oh, you can help me yank the molars out of a box of heads
No to that
Well on Friday I have to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and... oh
You're already going to be at that one
OUTRO: TF2 - Free to play!
Made in SFM