Saturday Night Live

"Diner Lobster"

(Spoken Intro)
[WAITER]
Did you two order yet?

[CUSTOMERS]
Nah

[WAITER]
Did you two caulk gang signs into the baby-changing station?

[CUSTOMERS]
Yeah

[WAITER]
All right, what do you want to eat?

[CUSTOMER 2]
Uh, yeah. I'll have a grilled cheese deluxe, and can I get a salad instead of the fries, please?

[WAITER]
Sure thing, one grilled cheese vagina-style. Great, how about you, pal?

[CUSTOMER 1]
You know what? I'll have the lobster

[WAITER]
Excuse me?

[CUSTOMER 1]
The lobster special

[CUSTOMER 2]
Dude, did you just order lobster in a diner?

[CUSTOMER 1]
Yeah, why?

[CUSTOMER 2]
Because it's a diner! No one orders lobster in a diner. The whole seafood section is in the menu as a joke, man. I mean, seafood! The word "seafood" is in quotes!

[CUSTOMER 1]
I want lobster, okay? I won my lawsuit against Bumble for getting, like, zero matches, and I want to celebrate!

[WAITER]
But the lobster, you're sure you want the lobster?

[CUSTOMER 1]
I don't see what the big deal is. It's on the menu. I just want the damn lobster

[CUSTOMER 2]
Dude, don't do it!

[WAITER]
As you wish. All right, everyone, the time has come. We've got an order here for one lobster

(Song)
[LOBSTER]
Who am I? And why am I condemned to boil alive?
When all that I have done is live my life?

[WAITER]
And why would someone on a whim
Choose from all to order him
Who's this guy?

[LOBSTER]
I thought that there was an unspoken rule
That lobster in a diner's never cool
A diner menu's way too long
And half the things are fake or wrong

[COOK]
Must he die? How can you ever face his lobster friends?
How can you ever face yourself again?
Monster!

[LOBSTER]
I've lived here 40 years, I know
An age that lobsters never grow
And in that time, there's been no one
To order any crustaceans
Who am I?

[LOBSTER, WAITER, AND COOK]
Lobster Number One!

(Spoken Interlude)
[CUSTOMER 2]
I mean, you can't eat the lobster now, man! They just sang Les Miz!

[CUSTOMER 1]
I'm sorry, dude. I'm more of a Mean Girls guy, on Broadway now!

[CUSTOMER 2]
Wait, what's happening now?

[CLAWSETTE]
Papa?

[LOBSTER]
Clawsette! Oh, what are you doing here?

[CLAWSETTE]
There's something I wanted to tell you, Papa

(Song)
Papa, can they want you dead?
Let me go in your place instead
Whether it's boiled, steamed, or fried
Up to the great tank in the sky

(Spoken Interlude)
[LOBSTER]
No, Clawsette, I can't let you do that! It's not your time, it's mine!

[CLAWSETTE]
I love you, Papa

[LOBSTER]
I love you, too! Now, run. Run from this place!

[CUSTOMER 2]
Dude, the little lobster! Just order something else!

[CUSTOMER 1]
Hey, they put it on the menu. I'm calling their bluff

[WAITER AND COOK]
Form the barricade!

[CUSTOMER 2]
Wait, there's a barricade?

[CUSTOMER 1]
Wow, this diner has incredible set design!

(Song)
[WAITER]
Will you join in our crusade
To keep this lobster from his pot?

[COOK]
Will you drop the masquerade
And give our BLT a shot?

[LOBSTER]
Then join in the fight
And give us the right
To be free!

[ALL]
Do you hear the lobster scream
Screaming the screams of scalding flames?
It is the screaming of a lobster
And this dummy's here to blame
When the churning in your bowels
Matches the burning of his shell
You'll know why lobsters in a diner never sell
Lobsters! You don't order them in diners!

(Spoken Outro)
[CUSTOMER 1]
All right, all right, all right. Forget the lobster, I'll have the veal instead

[ALL]
Yay!

[WAITER]
All right, everybody, let's go kill that baby cow!

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