INT. JESSE’S MANSION: LIVING ROOM
MARK
How about some f*ckin' furniture, dude?
JESSE
I bought a chair, but I didn't like it.
SAM
Where is it?
JESSE
It's keeping us warm.
ANDREW
Silent Velcro. You lucky motherf*cker. I feel like if I had showed up at school and presented the idea of silent Velcro... they would have sent me away a whole lot sooner.
SAM
Why did they send you away?
JESSE
Oh. Listen to this girl.
ANDREW
They didn't "send me away."
MARK
You just said they sent you away.
ANDREW
I mean, they sent me away. They sent me to boarding school. "Sent me away" sounds like I went to some asylum or something. There were no straps involved.
SAM
Why did they send you to boarding school?
ANDREW
They sent me to boarding school because...they thought I might be dangerous.
SAM
"Oh, are you freaked out? You're like running for the door. You can go. It's okay. Don't feel bad."
SAM
That's really funny. It's really funny.
SAM
Why would they think you'd be dangerous?
JESSE
You're like a little detective.
ANDREW
Want to know?
SAM
Yeah.
MARK
You're gay.
ANDREW
No. Drumroll. I was the reason she was in a wheelchair. I pushed her. So there that is.
SAM
Shut up!
MARK
f*ck off.
ANDREW
No. That's the truth.
SAM
Why?
ANDREW
It was just a complete freak accident, you know? It's one of those things you replay a million times in your head... and you see how clearly it was just a complete freak thing. My-My whole life, she was depressed for no reason. And... one day, you know... I was a little kid. I was nine years old... and I just hated her for that. And... I pushed her. And it was innocent. I was just completely frustrated. 'Cause...
SAM
'Cause you couldn't make her happy?
ANDREW
Yeah! f*ck, yeah! And any other time, you know... any other day, she would have just yelled at me and sent me to my room. But this day, on this particular day, the door of the dishwasher, had fallen open, the latch on it was broken. And it would just randomly fall open. That f*ckin' latch, you know. It's really amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter-inch piece of plastic. But... So, anyway, she, uh... she fell back over the door... and, uh, hit her neck on the kitchen counter, paralyzing her from the waist down.
SAM
Wow.
ANDREW
Still want to compare f*cked-up families?
JESSE
But your mom was in the wheelchair long before you left.
ANDREW
Yeah. Well, I was nine. So they sent me to therapy and put me on these drugs, that were supposed to "curb my anger," and I've been on some form of them ever since. And when I was 16, my psychiatrist dad came around to the conclusion that it probably wasn't the best environment for me to be growing up in, so... he sent me to boarding school. And I haven't been home since.
SAM
Until now.
MARK
For her funeral.
ANDREW
Till now for her funeral.
JESSE
I can't believe the retarded quarterback's a pill-popper.
GIRL
Jesse? Where's the sauna?
MARK
I'll show her.
JESSE
No, l-I got it.
MARK
No, you get her a towel.
JESSE
Wait. Wait. Want a ride, sweetheart?
SAM
You're in it right now, aren't you?
ANDREW
What do you mean?
SAM
My mom always says that when she can see… I'm, like, working something out in my head, she's like, "You're in it right now." And I'm lookin' at you, and you're telling me that story, and you're definitely in it right now.
ANDREW
I think you're right. I am in it. Okay. I mean, whatever. All right. Can we just change the subject, okay? Let's just... Let's just talk about good stuff.
SAM
Good stuff?
ANDREW
Yeah, like "glass half-full" sh*t. What do you got?
SAM
Got a little buzz. Got that. What you got?
SAM
I got a little buzz goin' and I like you. So there's that. I guess I have that.
SAM
I can tap-dance. You want to see me tap-dance?
ANDREW
I would love to see you tap-dance.