The Buffoon and the Dean of Admissions lyrics

Performed by Adam Sandler and Conan O'Brien

[Intro]
Adam Sandler: "And now a buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college."

[Skit]
Dean of Admissions: "Well, Michael, I would like to extend my warmest congradulations on your upcoming graduation and I understand you are interested in matriculating here in the fall."

Buffoon: "I got a snake, man!"

Dean: "Yes, pets are welcome here on campus. Be it the traditional dog, or cat, or even the occasional reptile."

Buffoon: "One time I fed it some beer, man! It was slithering this way and that! It was all f*cked up!"

Dean: "I'm sure it was. Well we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus."

Buffoon: "f*ckin' sh*t!"

Dean: "Yes, that's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. So tell me a little bit more about your background."

Buffoon: "My father's a f*cking as*h*le, man!"

Dean: "Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebellion are not unusual at your age son."

Buffoon: "My mother's a piece of sh*t too!"
Dean: "Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility over the summer so you can come to school in the fall relaxed and ready to learn."

Buffoon: "My teacher in high school was a stupid b*tch, man! She had her head way up her ass!"

Dean: "Well the quality of the faculty at a University such as ours far exceeds that of a local public high school."

Buffoon: "Your secretary's a real fat b*tch, man!"

Dean: "Yes, she's tried many diets over the years with minimal success."

Buffoon: "I had diarrhea last month. I had to sh*t all f*cking day!"

Dean: "Uh huh, well we all get the occasional stomach bug, never a pleasurable experience. So have you given any thought to your choice of major?"

Buffoon: "I've got a big f*cking boner right now!"

Dean: "I see. Well, sexual arousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. I do not take offense."

Buffoon: "One time, I ate my neighbors sh*t!"

Dean: "That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you. We'll be sending you our decision by the end of the month."

Buffoon: "I bet you got really hairy balls."

Dean: "Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye bye."