Eddie Murphy

"Shrek"

SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
Princess. But she had an enchantment
Upon her of a fearful sort which could
Only be broken by love's first kiss
She was locked away in a castle guarded
By a terrible fire-breathing dragon
Many brave knights had attempted to
Free her from this dreadful prison
But non prevailed. She waited in the
Dragon's keep in the highest room of
The tallest tower for her true love
And true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
A load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
Day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
After the ogre

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
Thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
Bread

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
Giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse
They'll make a suit from your freshly
Peeled skin

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
Jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
Quite good on toast

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
Men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
And his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
Men are in the dark

SHREK
This is the part where you run away
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
Up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
Throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
Sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
To him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
Are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
Who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
Little pigs

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
Away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
Broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
Be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (j*rks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
Nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy
Take it away

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
To the table

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings
If you can prove it

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella

Donkey just looks up at her

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
Nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
To be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
Talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
You ever saw

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
Of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
Hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
With fairy dust and he's able to fly

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
A flying, talking donkey. You might
Have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
But I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
Fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
To wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
To the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
For a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
Quickly hides behind Shrek

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
To place you both under arrest and transport
You to a designated resettlement facility


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
And we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
And runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
Begins walking back to his cottage

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen
You was really, really, really somethin'
Back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
And Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
Around and Donkey is right in front
Of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
You that you that you was great back
Here? Those guards! They thought they
Was all of that. Then you showed up
And bam! They was trippin' over themselves
Like babes in the woods. That really
Made me feel good to see that

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
Freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey
Wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
Stick with you. You're mean, green
Fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
The spit out of anybody that crosses
Us

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
Loudly

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
Don't mind me sayin', if that don't
Work, your breath certainly will get
The job done, 'cause you definitely
Need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
You breath stinks! You almost burned
The hair outta my nose, just like the
Time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
Continues to talk, so Shrek removes
His hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
Berries. I had strong gases leaking
Out of my butt that day

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
Me, My problems have all gone, There's
No one to deride me, But you gotta have
Faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
Have any friends

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
Cruelly honest

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
Me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
Tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
Torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
Bother you?

DONKEY
Nope

SHREK
Really?

DONKEY
Really, really

SHREK
Oh

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
You, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
Thing. I like that. I respect that
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
A hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
In place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful
You know you are quite a decorator
It's amazing what you've done with such
A modest budget. I like that boulder
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
Don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
We have in common. Like I hate it when
You got somebody in your face. You've
Trying to give them a hint, and they
Won't leave. There's that awkward silence
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No

DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
Considered a freak. (pause while he
Looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do
But that's why we gotta stick together
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
A chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
Late, swappin' manly stories, and in
The mornin' I'm makin' waffles

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean
I don't know you, and you don't know
Me, so I guess outside is best, you
Know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
Slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
Like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
Born outside. I'll just be sitting by
Myself outside, I guess, you know. By
Myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
No one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
A candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
Noise. He stands up with a huff

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
Stay outside

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
Made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
And spots 3 blind mice on his table

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
Farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
And lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
Ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
You doing in my house? (He gets bumped
From behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
With Snow White on the table.) Oh, no
No, no. Dead broad off the table


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
Bed's taken

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
Him

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
Him to the front door

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
A terrifying ogre! What do I have to
Do get a little privacy? (He opens the
Front door to throw the Wolf out and
He sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh
No. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
Pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
Flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
Echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
Tent

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you
Move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
Dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
Shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
Look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
Them

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
And he...signed an eviction notice


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
This Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
Him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
Tale things. Do not get comfortable
Your welcome is officially worn out
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
Right now and get you all off my land
And back where you came from! (Pause
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear
Man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
Friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
Adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
With me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
On the road again

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
Dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
Onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
Table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
Up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
And plays with them) Run, run, run
As fast as you can. You can't catch
Me. I'm the gingerbread man

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
And the rest of that fairy tale trash
Poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
Me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
Eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
Pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
Buttons

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
Muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
On Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
It in

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
Him up and dumps him into a trash can
With a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
Of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
Hand mirror and smashes it with his
Fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet
But you can become one. All you have
To do is marry a princess

FARQUAAD
Go on

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
And relax, my lord, because it's time
For you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes
And here they are! Bachelorette number
One is a mentally abused shut-in from
A kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
And hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
Include cooking and cleaning for her
Two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
Number two is a cape-wearing girl from
The land of fancy. Although she lives
With seven other men, she's not easy
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
Find out what a live wire she is. Come
On. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
Picture of Snow White) And last, but
Certainly not last, bachelorette number
Three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
Castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
A loaded pistol who likes pina colads
And getting caught in the rain. Yours
For the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
Picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
Be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
Number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
Three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
Have to do is just find someone who
Can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
Thing that happens at night

FARQUAAD
I'll do it

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
My queen, and DuLoc will finally have
The perfect king! Captain, assemble
Your finest men. We're going to have
A tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
Lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
For something? (He laughs, but then
Groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke
He continues walking through the parking
Lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
A giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad
Screams and begins running through the
Rows of rope to get to the front gate
To get away from Shrek.) Wait a second
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
Walking straight through the rows. The
Attendant runs into a wall and falls
Down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
Continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
Marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
Open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
To sing

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
To run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
Brightest in all the land. Today one
Of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
For a smacked bottom

DONKEY
Sorry about that

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
And rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
From the fiery keep of the dragon. If
For any reason the winner is unsuccessful
The first runner-up will take his place
And so on and so forth. Some of you
May die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
To make. (cheers) Let the tournament
Begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
That? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
At Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice
It's just a donkey

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
Kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
Into a table where there are mugs of
Beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
Settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
Of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
Other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
Past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
Beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
Fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
To say that Shrek kicks butt

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
Gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
And sees him

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
Are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
Sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
Very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
The veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
What?

FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
Honor of embarking on a great and noble
Quest

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
To get my swamp back

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
Fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
A deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
Heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
Go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
Just so Farquaad will give you back
A swamp which you only don't have because
He filled it full of freaks in the first
Place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
Donkeys shouldn't talk

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
Some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
Him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
His bones to make your bread, the whole
Ogre trip

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
Decapitated an entire village and put
Their heads on a pike, gotten a knife
Cut open their spleen and drink their
Fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
More to ogres than people think

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
All brown, start sproutin' little white
Hairs

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
Have layers! Onions have layers. You
Get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
A sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
Have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know
Not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
Loves cakes! Cakes have layers

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes
Ogres are not like cakes

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person
You say, "Let's get some parfait," they
Say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
Beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
On the whole damn planet

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
Making a mess. Just the word parfait
Make me start slobbering

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
A field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
To put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem
So Donkey pees on the fire to put it out

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
House Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
Crack one off. My mouth was open and
Everything

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
Be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
Must be getting close

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
About it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
Didn't come off no stone neither


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
Is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
The castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
Foreboding

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
Location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
Into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
Ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
Make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
Wear our fear right out there on our
Sleeves

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves


DONKEY
You know what I mean

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
About being on a rickety bridge over
A boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
Ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
Just tackle this thing together one
Little baby step at a time

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
Look down. (he steps through a rotting
Board and ends up looking straight down
Into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
Off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this
You go back

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
Then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
Bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
The bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
Bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
The bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
Towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
Pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
No

DONKEY
But...

SHREK
Shh

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
And gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
With bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
Response to an unfamiliar situation
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
Add. With a dragon that breathes fire
And eats knights and breathes fire
It sure doesn't mean you're a coward
If you're a little scared. I sure as
Heck ain't no coward. I know that


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up
Now go over there and see if you can
Find any stairs

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
The princess

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
Be up the stairs in the highest room
In the tallest tower

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
The stairs. I'll find those stairs
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
Won't know which way they're goin'
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
To the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
The stair master. I've mastered the
Stairs. I wish I had a step right here
I'd step all over it

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
Is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
Breathes fire

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
A hold of the dragons tail and holds
On) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
Goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
Tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a j*rk and looks at him lying
On the floor

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
Part of the bridge he's on

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh
What large teeth you have. (the dragon
Growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth
I know you probably hear this all time
From your food, but you must bleach
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
Got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
Freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon
You're just reeking of feminine beauty
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
At him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay
But you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
Blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
Heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
An asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
Work out if you're gonna blow smoke
Rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
Up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
So she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
Then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
The side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
A moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
And shakes her away

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
Rescue me

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
First meeting. Should it not be a wonderful
Romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
Sweep me off my feet out yonder window
And down a rope onto your valiant steed


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this
Haven't you?

FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
The hallway

FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
Could recite an epic poem for me. A
Ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


SHREK
I don't think so

FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?


SHREK
Uh, Shrek

FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
Out a handkerchief) I pray that you
Take this favor as a token of my gratitude


SHREK
Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar

FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
Him.)

FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
To charge in, sword drawn, banner flying
That's what all the other knights did


SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame


FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
Stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
Ignores her and heads for a wooden door
Off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
Going? The exit's over there

SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass

FIONA
What kind of knight are you?

SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
The throne room)

DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please
I believe it's healthy to get to know
Someone over a long period of time
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
Worriedly) (we see him up close and
From a distance as Shrek sneaks into
The room) I don't want to rush into
A physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
Ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
Looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
Is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
Are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
Back up a little and take this one step
At a time. We really should get to know
Each other first as friends or pen pals
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
Receiving cards - - I'd really love
To stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
My tail! That's my personal tail. You're
Gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No
No, no, no. No! Oh!

Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
Toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
Up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
Roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
Her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
A sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
Take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
Then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her

DONKEY
Hi, Princess!

FIONA
It talks!

SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
The trick

They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
A descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
Crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
Eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
Off and walks lightly

SHREK
Oh!

Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona


SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
Take care of the dragon

Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
Castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
Chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
Is still around the dragons neck

SHREK
(echoing) Run!

They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
Pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
Breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
For dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
Are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
In horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
Get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain j*rk the
Dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
Quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
Sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away

FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
Did it! You rescued me! You're amazing
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
Hill and bump into Donkey) a little
Unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
Is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
Eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
His throat.) And where would a brave
Knight be without his noble steed?


DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
A noble steed. She think I'm a steed


FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
Helmet, good Sir Knight

SHREK
Uh, no

FIONA
Why not?

SHREK
I have helmet hair

FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
Of my rescuer

SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st

FIONA
But how will you kiss me?

SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
Job description

DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk

FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
How it goes. A princess locked in a
Tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
By a brave knight, and then they share
True love's first kiss

DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
Love?

FIONA
Well, yes

Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing

DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!


FIONA
What is so funny?

SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer
Now - - Now remove your helmet

SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
Good idea

FIONA
Just take off the helmet

SHREK
I'm not going to

FIONA
Take it off

SHREK
No!

FIONA
Now!

SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness
(takes off his helmet)

FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre

SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming


FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
All wrong. You're not supposed to be
An ogre

SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
Wants to marry you

FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?


SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
When we get there

FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
Love, not by some ogre and his- - his
Pet

DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed

SHREK
You're not making my job any easier


FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
Wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
Waiting for him right here

SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
Right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
Her over his shoulder like she was a
Sack of potatoes)

FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?

DONKEY
I'm right behind ya

FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
Consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!

WOODS

A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
Hangs there limply while Shrek carries her

DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
There's a woman that digs you, right
But you don't really like her that way
How do you let her down real easy so
Her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
Get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
Love. Everyone knows what happens when
You find your...(Shrek drops her on
The ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better

DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess
It's beautiful!

FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?

SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
Of Farquaad's stature are in short supply
(he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
The dust and grime

DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
Little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
Just jealous you can never measure up
To a great ruler like Lord Farquaad


SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
When you see him tomorrow

FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
To make camp?

SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
Going

FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods

DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
To sound good

SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
We're going to see in this forest


FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!


Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her


MOUNTAIN CLIFF

Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
A stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave

SHREK
Hey! Over here

DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
Don't think this is fit for a princess


FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
A few homey touches

SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
A tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
Who has torn the bark off of a tree.)


FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
Good night. (goes into the cave and
Puts the bark door up behind her)


DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will

FIONA
(os) I said good night!

Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
Boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
Still inside

DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?

SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh
Come on. I was just kidding

LATER THAT NIGHT

Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
Up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
To Donkey

SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback
The only ogre to ever spit over three
Wheat fields

DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
From these stars?

SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut
The Flatulent. You can guess what he's
Famous for

DONKEY
I know you're making this up

SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
Group of hunters running away from his
Stench

DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
Dots

SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
More than they appear. Hmm? Forget it


DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
We gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?


SHREK
Our swamp?

DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
The princess

SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
No "our". There's just me and my swamp
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
A ten-foot wall around my land

DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
Deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
A way to keep somebody out

SHREK
No, do ya think?

DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?

SHREK
Never mind, Donkey

DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
Things, isn't it?

SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
Leave-it alone things

DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?


SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?

DONKEY
Why are you blocking?

SHREK
I'm not blocking

DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are

SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you

DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?

SHREK
Everyone! Okay?

DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere
(grins)

At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
The cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her

SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
Walks over to the edge of the cliff
And sits down)

DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
The whole world anyway?

SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem
Okay? It's the world that seems to have
A problem with me. People take one look
At me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big
Stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
They even know me. That's why I'm better
Off alone

DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
Think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
Ogre

SHREK
Yeah, I know

DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?


SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
And Annoying

DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
One, right there. That one there?


Fiona puts the door back

SHREK
That's the moon

DONKEY
Oh, okay

DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
In the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona

FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror
Show her to me. Show me the princess


MIRROR
Hmph

The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning


FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect

Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
To cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
At her image in the mirror

MORNING

Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
Who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
Across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
With her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
To keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
Big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
She eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
Is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
Sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
In his sleep

DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
It like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it

SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

DONKEY
Huh? What?

SHREK
Wake up

DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)

FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
Eggs?

DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!

Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them

SHREK
What's all this about?

FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
Start yesterday. I wanted to make it
Up to you. I mean, after all, you did
Rescue me

SHREK
Uh, thanks

Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips

FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
Of us. (walks off)

LATER

They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
Forest. Shrek belches

DONKEY
Shrek!

SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
Than in, I always say. (laughs)

DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
Of a princess

Fiona belches

FIONA
Thanks

DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are

SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
What I expected

FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
Before you get to know them

She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
From out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
A tree

ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!

SHREK
Princess!

FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?


ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
Up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
Disgust)...beast

SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
Own!

ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
Little busy here?

FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
Know who you think you are!

ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
Let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men
(laughs)

Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
From the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song

MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo

ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
Needy

MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage

ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
Damsels, man, I'm good

MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood

ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
And a saucy little maid...

MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
To get...

ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
Grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad


MERRY MEN
That's bad

ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
Me awfully mad

MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad


ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
Your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...

There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
Knocks Robin Hood unconscious

FIONA
Man, that was annoying!

Shrek looks at her in admiration

MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)


The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
Get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree


Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
Then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
A very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
Mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down
And Fiona begins walking away

FIONA
Uh, shall we?

SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
Walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa
Whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
From?

FIONA
What?

SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?

FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone
Uh, one has to learn these things in
Case there's a...(gasps and points)
There's an arrow in your butt!

SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
Look at that? (he goes to pull it out
But flinches because it's tender)


FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
Sorry

DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?

FIONA
Shrek's hurt

DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no
Shrek's gonna die

SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay

DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
Too young for you to die. Keep you legs
Elevated. Turn your head and cough
Does anyone know the Heimlich?

FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
A blue flower with red thorns

DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
It. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
Away from the light!

SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!

DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns
(runs off)

SHREK
What are the flowers for?

FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
Of Donkey

SHREK
Ah

FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
Thing out. (gives the arrow a little
Pull)

SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
Yankin'

As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands

FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out


SHREK
No, it's tender

FIONA
Now, hold on

SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
Help

FIONA
Don't move

SHREK
Look, time out

FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
Hand over her face to stop her from
Getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
You propose we do?

ELSEWHERE

Donkey is still looking for the special flower

DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower
Red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
Color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns


SHREK
(os) Ow!

DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
Flower off a nearby bush that just happens
To be a blue flower with red thorns)


THE FOREST PATH

SHREK
Ow! Not good

FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
About...

SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he j*rks and manages to fall
Over with Fiona on top of him)

DONKEY
Ahem

SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
Happend. We were just, uh - -

DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
You had to do was ask. Okay?

SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
My mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
Turns to look at Fiona who holds up
The arrow with a smile) Ow!

DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?

Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
On their way

There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
Small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
Into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
And a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
That's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
Around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
Eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
It to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
It into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
Arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc

WINDMILL

SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
You

FIONA
That's DuLoc?

DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something
Which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
Steps on his hoof) Ow!

SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
On

FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
About Donkey

SHREK
What?

FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
So good

DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine


FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
What they always say, and then next
Thing you know, you're on your back
(pause) Dead

SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful
Do you want to sit down?

FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea


DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
Got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
His neck in a very sharp way until his
Head is completely sideways) Ow! See?


SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner


FIONA
I'll get the firewood

DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
Feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
A hug

SUNSET

Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats

FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good
What is this?

SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style

FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious


SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
Weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs

FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
Tomorrow night

SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
Sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
For you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it

FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that

They smiles at each other

SHREK
Um, Princess?

FIONA
Yes, Shrek?

SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?

DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset

FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
Late. I-It's very late

SHREK
What?

DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
Here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
You?

FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified
You know, I'd better go inside

DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
Be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
The dark

Shrek sighs

FIONA
Good night

SHREK
Good night

Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
At Shrek with a new eye

DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
Here

SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?

DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
An animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
Other. I could feel it

SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
Back to Farquaad

DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
The pheromones. Just go on in and tell
Her how you feel

SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides
Even if I did tell her that, well, you
Know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -

DONKEY
An ogre?

SHREK
Yeah. An ogre

DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?

SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)

Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
Is

TIME LAPSE

Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
Nowhere to be seen

DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess
Where are you? Princess?

Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her


DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
No games

Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
Look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
Out

DONKEY
Aah!

FIONA
Oh, no!

DONKEY
No, help!

FIONA
Shh!

DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay

DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?


FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess

DONKEY
Aah!

FIONA
It's me, in this body

DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
Her stomach) Can you hear me?

FIONA
Donkey!

DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen
Keep breathing! I'll get you out of
There!

FIONA
No!

DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA
Shh

DONKEY
Shrek!

FIONA
This is me

Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
Down

DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're
Uh, uh, uh, different

FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?

DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
Bad idea. You are what you eat, I said
Now - -

FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
As I can remember

DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
Seen you like this before

FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down
"By night one way, by day another. This
Shall be the norm... until you find
True love's first kiss... and then take
Love's true form."

DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
You wrote poetry

FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
Girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
Night I become this. This horrible
Ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
To await the day my true love would
Rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
Sets and he sees me like this. (begins
To cry)

DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look
It's not that bad. You're not that ugly
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly
But you only look like this at night
Shrek's ugly 24-7

FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
Is not how a princess is meant to look


DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?

FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
Can break the spell

DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
Orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
Lot in common

FIONA
Shrek?

OUTSIDE

Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
Hand

SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
It going, first of all? Good? Um, good
For me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
And thought of you because it's pretty
And - - well, I don't really like it
But I thought you might like it 'cause
You're pretty. But I like you anyway
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble
Okay, here we go

He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
And Fiona talking

FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean
Really, who can ever love a beast so
Hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
Don't go together. That's why I can't
Stay here with Shrek

Shrek steps back in shock

FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
Ever after is to marry my true love


Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
Away

INSIDE

FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
It has to be. It's the only way to break
The spell

DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth


FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
Must ever know

DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
If you gotta keep secrets?

FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!

DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him
But you should. (goes outside) I just
Know before this is over, I'm gonna
Need a whole lot of serious therapy
Look at my eye twitchin'

Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
Down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
Inside the windmill

MORNING

Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
Awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower

FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
Runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
Looks and sees the rising sun, and as
The sun crests the sky she turns back
Into a human.)

Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
Her

FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?

SHREK
Perfect! Never been better

FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you

SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything
Princess. I heard enough last night


FIONA
You heard what I said?

SHREK
Every word

FIONA
I thought you'd understand

SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
Could love a hideous, ugly beast?"


FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
You

SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
Him in shock. He looks past her and
Spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
On time. Princess, I've brought you
A little something

Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
Sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
Like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
March by

DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
The soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona

SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over

FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
Of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
Out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
You, but you startled me, for I have
Never seen such a radiant beauty before
I'm Lord Farquaad

FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
Snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord
For I was just saying a short... (Watches
As Farquaad is lifted off his horse
And set down in front of her. He comes
To her waist.) farewell

FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
To waste good manners on the ogre. It's
Not like it has feelings

FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't

Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face


FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage
Will you be the perfect bride for the
Perfect groom?

FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
Make - -

FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
The plans, for tomorrow we wed!

FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
Married today before the sun sets


FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right
The sooner, the better. There's so much
To do! There's the caterer, the cake
The band, the guest list. Captain, round
Up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
On the back of his horse)

FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre

Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
Them go

DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
Her get away

SHREK
Yeah? So what?

DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
Don't know. Look, I talked to her last
Night, She's - -

SHREK
I know you talked to her last night
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
You two are such good friends, why don't
You follow her home?

DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you

SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
Home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying
Talking donkeys!

DONKEY
But I thought - -

SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)

DONKEY
Shrek

Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
Being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
Into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
Alone. Shrek eating dinner alone

SHREK'S HOME

Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
Outside to investigate

SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
With what he's doing.) What are you
Doing?

DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
Recognize a wall when you see one


SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
To go around my swamp, not through it


DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
Half, and this is my half

SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm

DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess
I did half the work. I get half the
Booty. Now hand me that big old rock
The one that looks like your head


SHREK
Back off!

DONKEY
No, you back off

SHREK
This is my swamp!

DONKEY
Our swamp

SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
With) Let go, Donkey!

DONKEY
You let go

SHREK
Stubborn jackass!

DONKEY
Smelly ogre

SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
Away)

DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
With you yet

SHREK
Well, I'm through with you

DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
It's my turn! So you just shut up and
Pay attention! You are mean to me. You
Insult me and you don't appreciate anything
That I do! You're always pushing me
Around or pushing me away

SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
Bad, how come you came back?

DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They
Forgive each other!

SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
You... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
Door)

DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers
Onion boy, you're afraid of your own
Feelings

SHREK
(os) Go away!

DONKEY
There you are , doing it again just
Like you did to Fiona. All she ever
Do was like you, maybe even love you


SHREK
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
Hideous creature. I heard the two of
You talking

DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
Talkin' about, uh, somebody else


SHREK
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
Talking about me? Well, then who was
She talking about?

DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?

SHREK
Donkey!

DONKEY
No!

SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big
Stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?


DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?


SHREK
Right. Friends?

DONKEY
Friends

SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?


DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't
You just go ask her?

SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in
Time

DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
A will, there's a way and I have a way
(whistles)

Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
They can climb on

SHREK
Donkey?

DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism


They both laugh

SHREK
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
Noogie)

DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all
Slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
Right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
Had a chance to install the seat belts
Yet

They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc

DULOC - CHURCH

Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'


PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
To bear witness to the union....

FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-

PRIEST
...of our new king...

FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
To the "I do's"?

FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
To indulge Fiona) Go on

COURTYARD

Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
A boom. The guards all take off running

DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
That? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
Wanna do this right, don't you?

SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
About?

DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
Preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
Forever hold your peace." That's when
You say, "I object!"

SHREK
I don't have time for this!

DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
To me! Look, you love this woman, don't
You?

SHREK
Yes

DONKEY
You wanna hold her?

SHREK
Yes

DONKEY
Please her?

SHREK
Yes!

DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
Got to, got to try a little tenderness
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
Crap!

SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
Guy say the line?

DONKEY
We gotta check it out

INSIDE CHURCH

As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
Windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see

PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...


Outside

SHREK
What do you see?

DONKEY
The whole town's in there

Inside

PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...


Outside

DONKEY
They're at the altar

Inside

PRIEST
...king and queen

Outside

DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it


SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!

He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard


INSIDE CHURCH

SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!


FIONA
Shrek?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek

FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?

SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
Of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
A good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
Of all. Very clean

FIONA
What are you doing here?

SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
When no one wants you, but showing up
Uninvited to a wedding...

SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you

FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
Late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -

SHREK
But you can't marry him

FIONA
And why not?

SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
You so he can be king

FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him


SHREK
He's not your true love

FIONA
And what do you know about true love?


SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
In love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)

The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
Whole congregation laughs

FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!

FIONA
Shrek, is this true?

FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona
My love, we're but a kiss away from
Our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her
But she pulls back.)

FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
One way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before

She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile

SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
Smiles)

FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
Now! Get them! Get them both!

The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
Them

SHREK
No, no!

FIONA
Shrek!

FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
Marriage is binding, and that makes
Me king! See? See?

FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!

SHREK
No!

FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons


SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
Beg for death to save you!

FIONA
No, Shrek!

FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
As for you, my wife...

SHREK
Fiona!

FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
For the rest of your days! I'm king!


Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles

FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
Show up and the dragon leans down and
Eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!

DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
Here, and I'm not afraid to use it
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
The edge!

The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
And falls to the ground

DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last
Do they?

The congregation cheers

DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek

SHREK
Uh, Fiona?

FIONA
Yes, Shrek?

SHREK
I - - I love you

FIONA
Really?

SHREK
Really, really

FIONA
(smiles) I love you too

Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation


CONGREGATION
Aawww!

Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
Up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
Her

WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
And then take love's true form. Take
Love's true form. Take love's true form."


Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
And then is slowly lowered to the ground

SHREK
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
You all right?

FIONA
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well
Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
To be beautiful

SHREK
But you ARE beautiful

They smile at each other

DONKEY
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
A happy ending

Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

THE SWAMP

...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
A Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
And Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
Carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
Which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
Up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
Instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
Has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
Walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
Singing the song

GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one

DONKEY
(as he's done singing and we fade to
Black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
Breathe. I can't breathe

THE END

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