"Sleep Tape for Egomaniacs Vol 1"

Hello. I'm Richard Roses, and I'm here to help you relax.

You've been stressed out about your day-to-day and traditional sleep techniques, like drinking yourself into a coma or softly sobbing yourself into a coma just aren't cutting it any more.

You need answers.

You need results.

You need Richard Roses' Ego-Boost Sleep Technique, made by me, for me.

If my tape contained the nonstop creative dragon of ambitious ideas that is my own mind, it can certainly handle yours.

Before bed, play the following guided meditation - the same one I listen to every night - and be prepared to get that good night's rest you deserve.

Let's begin.

Hello, Richard. You're looking handsome tonight.

Please, lay down if you haven't already. It's been a full day, and it's now time for you to go to sleep.

(It's because...)

I would ask you to clear your mind, and to be in the present, and to focus on yourself. But the present often doesn't know how great we really are. The present often gives us less than we deserve.

Sometimes, the present has our record label cancel our album mid-production and makes our wife leave us for another less talented and dynamic man.

I think we can all agree, yes, sometimes the present can be a real hassle. That maybe it's over-hyped. That we can all really do without it.

Here's what: Don't clear your mind.

(It's because...)

No. Keep your mind very full. Keep it out of the undeserving current present and instead put it into your glorious past. The present of old. Back when the present knew the meaning of respect.

I want you to think to the past-present. All the Toby-Nominated songs you've written. You're very talented, Richard, and smarter than most people. Yes, you can be disorganized, but that's because you're too busy thinking of really good ideas like your next Toby-Nominated song.

Who cares if you can't hold on to meaningful relationships because you're too busy doing your thang? Doing your thang is what made you rich. That's why you have seven jet-skis.

I want you to think about your favorite jet-ski. What color is it? Say that color now.

Wrong. But I forgive you. Being forgiven is one of the best ways to de-stress. You're welcome.

You should be asleep by now, But if you miss that bus to dream town, never worry. Another one is on its way.

I want you to think of a tranquilizer gun being shot. At you. And as the dart plunges into your jugular, feel that liquid sleep begin to enter your bloodstream.

(It's because...)

The men who fired that dart aren't here to hurt you. They're your friends. And they're dragging your unconscious body to a nice, warm bed, where you can finally rest.

Sink into that bed. What kind of bed is it? There are no wrong answers. Except for water beds. Feel how comfortable that bed is.

Now, think of all the dirty British orphans of the world who don't have beds at all. They have to sleep on cold Victorian-esque cobblestone streets and join musical pickpocket gangs run by men with names like Mr. Poppets or Brixton Brundlesbury, and all this hubbub just to survive.

Yes, this is their harsh reality.

These orphans may wear cool hats. And they might be able to pull off a vest and pocket watch combo without having it seem affected. But they are poor, and orphan-like, and dirty. And they don't have a successful singing career like you do.

Think of how hungry and dirty they are. And now think of how warm and comfortable you are. You are doing better than those filthy street bandits.

Feel your serotonin levels rise and your eyes droop as you place yourself on top of this newly imagined hierarchy comprised of dirty di*kensian orphans.

Yes, you are asleep now. It is impossible for you not to be. If you aren't asleep, it is your fault. Maybe you should have been paying closer attention.

For those of you still awake, please rewind the tape and try again.

Just a reminder: You cannot return this tape. The $600 is non-refundable.

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