Zombie Survival Guide Rap lyrics

If the outbreak of a zombie plague has taken over your neighbourhood
And Joyce from Number 23 has been more bitey than she should (back of Joyce!)
Are the infected members of your mom's book chewing down your front door
Well let me rap you to safety until you are scared no more
The first thing to establish is what kind of horde you're facing
Will they be stumbling, shuffling and moaning
Or running screaming and chasing
Are we talking 28 days later rules dawn of the dead original or remake
The sooner we know what we're dealing with then we'll know what precautions to take (was it caused by...)
T-Virus, Cordyceps, Trixie, The book of dead and some rapey trees
Las-plagus, Rage, Solanum, Head crabs, or a bite from a rat monkey
Are they undead, decomposing, moaning, re-animated guys
Or perhaps just an angry dude with a dropo of baboon blood in his eye
Can they rip through someones chest cavity with super human strength
Even though their limbs are rotten to me that doesn't make much sense (Doesn't make much sense)
And don't give me any of this crap about a zombie learning to fire a gun
In life you may have been William Birkin but in death you will remain dumb (Dumb ass!)
Your garden variety zombie's fine but you might have a load of variations
Like clickers, bloaters, boomers, hunters, screamers and other iterations
These mini boss zombies are quite a hand full and they're not easy to take down
Just remember to stock up on nail bombs and molotovs to take them to hurt town (Population zombie!)
If you happen to be living in England when the outbreak starts you'll find yourself quite limited on the weapon front around these parts
I've got a hand axe, my crossbow and a BB gun, a rake a scented candle and a sturdy broom
If you're stuck for weapons you could try an improvise
Maybe combine a few different objects from your collection of supplies
I've taped hammers to this chainsaw but I think I've made it less effective
But these hammers taped to my hubcaps are bound to kill some infected (I LOVE HAMMERS! THEY'RE SO GREAT!)
If you're in the city while the outbreak starts then your DEAD! Just dead there's to many people just no! No! (soooooo)
If you're hanging out in the countryside when this virus breaks, you'll need to find somewhere to hole up in away from all the plagued (You know it!)
Now remember to choose your safe house quite carefully so just follow my rules of which there are three, well plus one more which is four it didn't rhyme didn't rhyme
1. Just ignore any survivors that may come banging on your door
They could be being chased by zombies bitten or trying to raid your biscuit store (Get off my bourbons!)
2. Create some traps outside your base to protect from the undead
Although its hard to catch a zombie as they only eat whats inside your head (BrRaAiInNsS!)
As they don't eat, bacon or kitkats or pigeon or curry or tiny pieces of cheese or cereal or gherkin or lime zest or swiss roll or top trumps of jelly beans (hmm hmm, so...)
3. Don't fall in love with a zombie and invite them into where you dwell or chain up a turned family member
That literally never ends well
Finally and most importantly cover all your windows, like with wood or something, that's it it's just really important (Aha!)
I've got a few more general rules like avoiding spicy foods, as you don't want to get caught short so use a hedge as a last resort
Stay regular! (yeah...)
Also you must always wear a seatbelt in this post-apocalyptic world
As even though there are literally no other drivers on the roads
For some reason survivors always tend to roll their wheels and there's always a zombie hanging around to turn you into a meal (That's post- apocalyptic road safety!)
So take on board my survival advice and follow my rapping guide
And hopefully you won't get torn apart and get to keep onto your insides
However my raps aren't legally binding and may come with a few t's and c's so now is the point where I'd like you to listen to the small print please
Warning: Will's zombie survival rap is in no way intended to actually help you survive a zombie apocalypse
The author of this rap is in no way responsible for any murdering, maiming dismemberment of family members that may be incorrectly assumed to be infected or otherwise
At the point of said virus outbreak this guide should not be disregarded as following any of the advice detailed within would probably get you bitten