Lonesome Cowboy Burt (Swaggart Version) lyrics

My name is Swaggart
I am an as*h*le
All my friends
They call me 'Jim'
(Hi, Jim!)
I'm from Louisiana
I make lots of money
But I f*cked up
And commited a sin

Come out here to Californy
Just to find me
Some pretty girls
(No sh*t!)
The ones I seen
Gets me so horny;
Ruby lips
'N teeth like pearls!

Wanna love 'em all!
In the name of Jesus!
Wanna pretty girl—
I'll even pay!
I'll buy 'em furs!
I'll buy 'em jewelry!
I'll never f*ck them;
Here's what I say:
I'm lonesome Cowboy Jim!
(Speakin' atcha!)
I only give 'em the tips of him!
(Posin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here prostitute
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-hey
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(He's lonesome Cowboy Jim
Look at the tip of him!)
Come on in this place
'N I'll buy you a taste
You can sit on my face—
Where's my prostitute/waitress?

Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (thank you!)
Swaggart, Swaggart redneck (yessir!)

I'm an awful nice guy! (so you say)
I sweat all day in the sun! (oh yeah, yeah)
I'm a preacher by trade
Quite a bundle like me
And I'm a feature ol' mumble-mumble
Son-of-a-gun!
(He's a unionized roofin' old
Son-of-a-gun!)
Fill in the blank!
When I get off, I get
When I get off, I get
When . . . I, I, I, I
And then, Sharkey says:
When I get off (pfft!)
I get sinful
(Just the tip! Only the tip now, come on)
I spoo
Till I goo
On the rug
Then I find me
Some eighteen ninety-five Luiann—, Louisiana style prostitute
And make her do pornographic stunts while I watch
And I have
So much fun
Jay-zus! Jay-zus!
(Pornographic stunts and I have so much fun)
(What?)

I huff
And I puff
(Hratche-plche
Hratche-plche)
And I pump up my sanctified erection
Till my cheeks
Puff up
An' turn red
Along with my neck
(Say, varmint!)
I drool
On my shirt
Takes a little while before I squirt
But I've been doin' it for twenty years and they haven't caught me yet
UH-OH!
Made a mistake this time!
Now I've sinned
Everybody!
(What an as*h*le!)
Made a mistake and I sinned, uh!
Made a mistake and I sinned, ow!
Made a mistake and I sinned, what?
Made a mistake and I sinned
Lonesome Cowboy Jim!
(Sinnin' atcha!)
Come smell this fringe-y shirt!
(Grinnin' atcha!)
My cowboy pants
My cowboy dance
My bold advance
On this here prostitute
Yodel-oh-oo-pee-yeh
Yodel-oh-oo-pee!

(HE'S LONESOME COWBOY JIM/SCOTT
BOO-HOO-HOO-HOO
Don't you dare to laugh at him/swat)
(Oh, tune me in now)
Come on in this place
An' I'll buy you a taste
'N you can sit on my face—
Where's my prostitute?
OPAL, YOU HOT LITTLE b*tch!