Tragic Events - Part II lyrics

by

“Weird Al” Yankovic


[Voiced - Evelyn, Evelyn, both]
Are you crying, Evelyn?
No... Well, yes. I was just thinking about Sandy. And about Bimba and Kimba. I miss them, Evelyn
I know, I miss them too. Especially this time of year, Evelyn

The year is 1991. Terminator 2 is the highest-grossing film at the Box Office, the first Super Nintendo Entertainment System has just been released, and after 70 years of Communist rule, the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics has collapsed
And on a chicken ranch just outside of Claxton, Georgia, twin sisters are waiting for their supper

The farm is old and operated by Alfred McCluck, an eccentric man with a fascination with Civil War weaponry
McCluck's chicken farms produces over 140,000 chickens a year and ships wings, thighs, and legs all over the continental United States
Despite the modest success of his business, McCluck leads a solitary life, never marrying and tending several of the chicken houses himself
A simple man with a not entirely bad heart, McCluck never knew how to best take care of the young girls who came into his life shortly after their birth
So he raised them the only way he knew how - in a 2-foot by 2-foot wire mesh cage on a diet of mash, crumbles, pellets and egg booster
One clear September day during the twin's sixth year at the farm McCluck does not come at mealtime. Night falls and still, he doesn't appear. The girls and the chickens cry out from hunger
Days pass and the chickens in neighboring cages begin to die. The smell of rotting poultry permeates the air of the hot, humid barn
Finally, desperate to find food and concerned over the whereabouts of their guardian, the twins break free from their cage
McCluck's house is locked tight, but the girls find the garden hose, which quenches their thirst
Still half delirious with hunger, they make their way out to the road

Little time passes before a dusty black Cadillac Coupe de Ville drives by and pulls over
A tall, mustached young man with a kindly face steps out of the vehicle. He smiles at the girls
"Hello"
And presents them with the first candy they had ever tasted
A Twix bar
Which they share in silent, odd delight
The girls do not feel at all uncomfortable when the man leads them gently into the dark, spacious trunk
In the following days, the girls are transferred into the trunks or several other cars
"Hello"
By many other kindly
"Hello"
Candy bar offering men
"Hello"
Until they reach their final destination at the lakeside lodge in Manitoba

The Underwood lodge is a collection of cozy, waterfront cabins with an attached trailer park along the shores of Lake Winnipeg
It is also the world headquarters of Budding Flowers Entertainment
Specializing in the production and distribution of photographs and VHS tapes for clientele with unique tastes

The girls are welcomed by Mrs. Deborah Bouldger, the 52-year-old portraitist
"Well, hello, girls"
A woman of enormous proportions who lives with her own 3 children in the main lodge of the Underwood
Upon finding that the girls have no names she christens them Eva and Lynn, names, which neither she nor the twins themselves are ever able to keep straight
"Eva, and Lynn. Eva, Lynn."

The twin's days of the Underwood are relatively comfortable, they are well cared for, the food is delicious, and there are many other girls their age
Once a week, photo sessions take place, convivial affairs that involve make-up
"Smile!"
A wide variety of dress up costumes and inventive new games
Every few days Mrs. Bouldger introduces the girls to one of their many uncles
"Eva, Lynn, say hello to your Uncle Mark."
"Heeey."
These uncles, seemingly endless in number, travel from all over the world to visit their nieces
"Hello, Hello, Hi, Hello."
The girls don't always like their new uncles, but Mrs. Bouldger is always quick to remind them that "family is family" and "blood is thicker than water"
The conjoined sisters are not popular amongst the other girls
However, one gentle resident, a few years their senior befriends them and takes them under her wing
"Hello, what's your name?"
Her name is Sandy
"I'm Sandy."
She has soft, blond hair that reaches down to her knees
Everyone says she looks like a mermaid
Dressed daily by Mrs. Bouldger in trademark fishnet stockings and vintage attire, Sandy is by far the most popular girl of the Underwood. She has so many uncles that the twins lose count
Every night after dinner and chores, Sandy tucks the young sisters into bed and tells them fantastic stories until they fall peacefully to sleep
"And after the three long weeks at sea, Jean Luc the sailor finally spotted land"
But these happy times do not last. Shortly after the twins' third Christmas under Mrs. Bouldger's care, Sandy disappears
Never to return

The twins remain in the Underwood for the greater part of two, long, miserable years
Without Sandy to protect them, they are ostracized and abused by the other girls
"What are YOU looking at, 4-eyes?!"
The photo sessions involve fewer fancy costumes and over time, their uncles become more peculiar
"Did I ask you to talk?"
The twins begin to notice the disturbing tendency for girls, much like their dear friend Sandy - to quietly disappear from the Underwood around their 12th or 13th birthday. The sisters brace themselves for something terrible

One autumn, when the girls are eleven, an old man, who speaks only Spanish, takes the twins into a large, orange van and drives them to their new home
"Step right up, step right up, see amazing human oddities, freaks of nature. Be warned, people with heart condition, children, women - we will accept no responsibility for fainting, reoccurring nightmares, or death"
Dillard and Fullerton's Illusive and Illogical Traveling Show is the 12th largest touring circus in North America
Former insurance salesman, Dillard and Fullerton distinguish their enterprise by procuring the most shocking specimen of the grotesque and unusual
Their small administrative staff works tirelessly to combat legal actions and public allegations of animal cruelty and human slave trafficking
"What?"
Life in the circus is harder than their time at the Underwood. There is always work to be done. In addition to their chores of laundry and sweeping, Mr. Dillard insists that the twins spend many hours each day practicing their act
"What are you standing around for?"
The girls are frightened of the clowns, several of whom, by amazing coincidence, also happen to be their uncles
"Hello, hello, hello!"
But still, overall these early days at the circus are a happy time for the twins

Every night to the delight of audiences across the country, the girls appear in the center ring, singing and strumming the ukulele, at the top of Bimba and Kimba - the world's only known conjoined twin Siamese elephants
The twins feel they have found true soul mates in Bimba and Kimba, who they affectionately refer to as 'Elephant, Elephant'
This special bond is reciprocated by the pachyderms, who fondly nuzzle the girls with their trunks and seem to delight in giving them rides
The twins and the elephants are inseparable
With the help of Alphonso de Arresting, the animal trainer, the twins tend to the elephants, feeding them and grooming them daily

But one terrible August morning, Bimba and Kimba refuse to take their food
Due to the unsanitary conditions of their quarters and an improper diet of popcorn and cotton candy, the elephants have contracted a rare form of elephantine diphtheria compounded by early-onset Alzheimer's disease
For the next two weeks can only stand by helplessly, as their companions become sicker and weaker and begin displaying obvious signs of memory loss
The last few days are almost unbearable. With Bimba and Kimba's confused, sad eyes looking up at the girls with great anguish, but no hint of recognition
And on one, grim, September day
The sisters' 16th birthday
Elephant Elephant dies
The funeral is held the same day. A grizzly affair at an industrial trash compactor behind a Home Depot in Fort Dodge Iowa

The twins are devastated
Without Bimba and Kimba life is but a terrible and meaningless void
They resign themselves to living out the rest of their hollow existence in solemn mourning
The emotionally exhausted sisters fall from favor within the circus
No longer willing to sing and play their ukulele, the girls are dressed in a pink tutu and forced to balance on the giant red ball, an impossible task for the conjoined sisters
"Get on that damn ball!"
The audience roars with laughter each time they awkwardly fall

Their discomfort is increased by a pair of radical groups who have taken an interest in the twins
Every night in most major cities, protesters assemble, nosily waving signs and chanting slogans in front of the Box Office
The first faction claims to represent an organization called 'FASSEN' - the Foundation for Always Separating Siamese Twins Everywhere Now
Citing the bible, FASSEN members vehemently believe that it is the will of the Lord that all conjoined twins be separated and allowed to live individual lives
Wielding symbolical surgical saws and blunt carving knives, FASSEN members jibe the ticket buyers for supporting the abomination of god
The second group operates under the acronym SPLIT - the Society for the Preservation of Linked Identical Twins
A reactionary organization, working to discredit the claims of FASSEN, SPLIT believes that conjoined twins will play a critical role in the second coming of Christ
The twins are terrified by both groups - the knives and saws make them very nervous and SPLIT members make threats to kidnap the girls and take them to where they will be kept safe in a place of darkness until the rapture

One day before a Sunday matinee in Sacramento, a chaotic brawl erupts between the two factions and one FASSEN member gets alarmingly close to the twins with a hacksaw
"It's the will of the Lord!"
Stricken with fear, the sisters decide that they are no longer safe at the circus
That night, they make a resolution - to leave the Dillard and Fullerton traveling show
Forever
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