I f*ck sl*ts lyrics

by

Bo Burnham


[Intro]
Thank you for all being here on a Friday, I know there's lots of places you can be on a Friday, so I appreciate you taking the time
to be with me, it does truly mean a lot
I would like to, erm, do a, uh, love poem right now, since it's sort of early in the show, um
I warn you, it is sappy and romantic so, um, I'll get it out of the way now and then I'll go back to the, uh, the dirty stuff that everyone loves or whatever
Um, okay, it's called "I f*ck sl*ts"

[Verse 1]
sl*ts! sl*ts! (It's not a role call, but thank you)
sl*ts, I f*ck sl*ts
sl*ts get f*cked when I f*ck sl*ts
No ifs and’s, and/or buts. I f*ck sl*ts
I f*ck sl*ts
Nice girls are nice but no good for nut-sucking
They'll need a serene night to green-light a butt f*cking
But that'll be easy with sleazy old sl*t f*cking
Boo to the nice girls. Praise be to sl*t f*cking!

[Verse 2]
I have a list. A list?
Yes, a list of all the sl*ts I've missed
I've never f*cked or sucked these sl*ts
And thus my nuts are f*cking p*ssed
So, when I f*ck the lucky sl*t my nut removes her from the list
Another dumb c*m-bucket struck from my nut sucking
Suck it sl*t, sl*t f*cking bucket-list
[Interlude]
Yes, you hear the influences, Chaucer-- The pages are blank, I know it. Why am I lying to you?

[Verse 3]
sl*ts can be white, black, brown, pink, or almond
They can be skinny with big tits, or be skinny with small ones
sl*ts can be perky, preppy or posh
With their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash (Excuse me)

[Verse 4]
CD people are confused
But other sl*ts are pretty and funny and smart
These sl*ts can lift all your thoughts from your di*k to your heart
They can talk about science, music, or art
They can put you together or they can pull you apart
But don't trust these sl*ts, don't, don't you dare
They'll force you to trust them and love them and care
And then they'll be gone and then you'll be aware
Of that hole in your heart that that dumb sl*t left there

[Skit]
Thank you very much.
So, you see, he was lashing out with sexist language because he had his heart broken. We all learned something
Um, I know that that bit in particular was a little bit dense, a little bit hard to follow, and I want to be able to do something that's easier to follow, and you can probably get it in the first listen, so I want to do a slower joke for you
Here's a slow joke:
What did the ear of corn say when its clothes fell off?
"Aw, shucks!"
Get it?
Like "shucks" as in shucking corn and also "shucks" the exclamation?
Am I right?
Something for everybody
Um, my father recently told me that I act too gay on stage, and I said, "Really dad? Prove it!"
For those of you listening, I threw confetti, flamboyantly
[Outro]
He said, "What about that joke where you throw confetti at the end of it?"
I said, "I haven't written that joke yet, cause it's based off of this conversation! Gotcha!"
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