Pepa, it's me again
Why aren't you picking up the phone?
It's like my brain is gonna melt if I don't talk to you
I've got a problem in the shower
And I've only got a minute
‘Cause the problem in the shower
Is this guy that I've been dating named Malik
He's… what's the word? Swarthy, like a desert sheik
And he's been here in my apartment for about a week
I met him down at Cafe Sombra
And I know you think I'm overly romantic
But you wouldn't believe the connection we had
Like immediately I was ready for him to
Meet my mom
Like I could feel my heart exploding like some kind of bomb
Which is ironic because actually I think he literally has some kind of…
(spoken)
Anyway, Grandpa, happy birthday. Say hello to Grandma and be sure to take your…
(sung)
That was him!
I may be jumping to conclusions, God I hope I am
He thinks I'm thin and he's got shoulders like Jean-Claude Van Damme
Listen, call me when you hear this
I'll be here for half an hour
Call me back!
Pepa? Are you there? Are you there? Are you…
Okay, you're not there but we need to talk
My stomach's aching like I swallowed some enormous rock
I'm at the phone booth on the corner
And I've only got a minute ‘cause I'm running out of change
‘Cause I've been lending all my money to Malik
God knows with men I'm not exactly on a lucky streak
But this one really is a mess, I think I'm gonna freak
I know you say I'm an alarmist but I'm not
Remember there's that time I thought I saw a spider?
You said "nah, it's a raisin"
But it suddenly started moving
And it crawled over and bit me on the toe
So if you're gonna stand in judgement
That's how much you know
It's a good thing I didn't eat it
But I never would have ate it
‘Cause I never did like raisins
So why would there be a raisin on the floor?
So when you hear this call me back
I'll wait a little more
I'll be at seven-seven-three…
(spoken)
Damn, they scratched out the number… And misspelled "vagina."
(sung)
All right I'm hanging up, I'll call you back!
Pepa
Okay, I'm trying you again, it's afternoon
It's like my eyes are gonna pop if I don't get you soon
I'm at the studio, which sucks
Because I'm having trouble working
'Cause the only thing I think about's
This crazy situation with Malik
I don't know what I'm gonna do if you and I don't speak
I know you think I'm just a drama queen
But actually I'm practical and damn it, I'm a model
So of course I feel things deeper than most people
Typically do
And anyway I think my life may be in danger too
You won't believe what he's got hidden in the…
(spoken)
Fernando's working here! He's lost a lot of weight and, wow, he got that thing removed! He looks just…
Pepa... Marcos...
(sung)
He says hello
And now he's telling me we're shooting
So I've gotta go
It's some big deal ad campaign
I don't know what it's for
They've got me posing with
A melon and a matador
Some kind of metaphor
Call me back!
Pepa, it's eight
I don't know why you're treating me like this
Pepa, it's almost ten o'clock
You really are a terrible friend
Pepa, I'm sorry
I've never felt so frightened and alone
I'm like a helpless little kitten up a…
(spoken)
HEY! I'M ON THE f*ckING PHONE!
(sung)
Please call me back
Pepa
Okay, now even your machine's ignoring me
Listen, Pepa, I know you think I'm needy but you've got to see…
I'm feeling kind of woozy, I've been crying for an hour
And my boyfriend has an Uzi, and he doesn't clean the shower
And I don't know where you are
I don't know where I am
I'm halfway up a tree and completely in a jam
I'm out here in the desert and nobody gives a damn
Pepa?
Pepa!
Pepa…
Call me back!